Not for those who can't handle the truth...

     I got back a while ago from the little, local grocery store and it reminded me of a few days ago, when I had taken Madalynn (2) with me.  I was bending over to double check prices on sausage, when Madalynn asked and pointed, "Why is that man wooking at you, Mommy?"  There was a short display beside me, so I peeked just over the top and sure enough, there was a young guy grinning from ear to ear and he assured me he heard her ask it.  I might would've basked in a moment of vanity, but my first thought was it was a good thing for him that he couldn't see the roll hanging over my jeans for the hoody I had on....my winter camouflage.                                                       
     The holidays and, yes, I said "holidays" because I thoroughly enjoy it all, Thanksgiving to New Year's, with the birth of Christ being the centerpiece, are over.  Spring is delightfully close now.  With all that I have ahead, I need to be nothing less than my best.  Who knows?  I might even join the boys' mother in Military prep exercise.                                     
     I'm really good at "maintaining" weight when not pregnant but that can certainly work against me after I've gained a few too many in that condition.  Everybody wants to look good and I've read and am believing that there isn't a thing wrong with that when it comes from within a healthy body, a smiling countenance, and a pure heart.  Femininity goes hand in hand with confidence.                                                                                   
     And all this leads to the final chapter of renewal of this marriage.  When I was young, very young, I used sex.  I got into this marriage of mutually selfish people; but after being "saved" at 21, I determined after much reading that I wouldn't withhold from him even in the worst of circumstances.   I truly believed and still do that no matter the emotional environment he deserved reverence and  pleasure after all his hard work.   Somewhere I lost or more likely never understood the sanctity, the preciousness, of the act.  In all my reading, I never found what it might be like after "he" changed and gave me the choice to be me.  In serving, in my mission to be a good wife, the "just do it" syndrome, it all turned into works and not grace, because I let bitterness and insecurity drive me away from my Saviour.  I'm sure Satan revels in his deceptive win over me.  I had become hard, frozen, unemotional, dispassionate and didn't even realize it until I was given "permission" to feel.  So, now I have this man who has turned his life upside down and I don't even know what to do with or for him.   This is so different than I always imagined it would be.  It should be blissful, but my defense has made me solitary, stoic even.                                                                                                                                                 
     In almost 22 years of marriage, I don't think I've ever been able or had the opportunity to combine the physical and spiritual for the magnificent union that it's intended to be.  We have no more babies to make, so this narrows down to a man and a woman finding each other in the chaos of daily living.   This is the wall I speak of tearing down; I/we can't afford to wait for it to fall;  I have to tear down everything that gets in our way, so now I'm searching and trying to be ready in every physical, mental, and Biblical way for the supernatural healing that is bound to happen.