I've been tossing this around for a few hours. Since it's kinda juicy, I'll get more interest, which is a shame because I'm finding that there are those who are drawn to me in my distress but were put off that I found my relief in Christ. As Megan, our 21 year old, said something like this while ago, "If we're made fit for heaven, we were never meant to fit in here." She heard that at church this morning, the church she's visiting down in Georgia where I took her when she was a little girl. :)
I weigh 207 pounds and have weighed within a few plus or minus of it since Madalynn was born in February 2008. If you say I wear it well, then you've only seen me standing straight up taking in shallow breaths. The whole "Boberry Biscuit" thing got my wheels turning again. Mike knows full well that I don't look or feel my best, yet he gave it to me as an offering of plain kindness. He hasn't called me a fat anything in a couple of years now and it just isn't right for me to remain "unexceptional" (...that word comes to mind because Macklynn asked me what "exceptional" means and I said, "better than just normal" to which he replied, "Then, I'm exceptional." :D Anyway, who am I to tease Mike about his trucker belly when I've been hiding my midsection so desperately while seated that I believe I hyperextended my back over time?
I've been infirmed, indulged, indifferent, and involved, plain busy. I've procrastinated and at times for the right reason, since I've lost "baby weight" for the WRONG reasons before. I was hoping my cholesterol numbers would jolt me into action but they weren't that bad. Daily I ask God to take care of me and was even going to post that "I may not have insurance but I do have assurance". I can't overlook though that if I'm unwilling to take care of me, there's no humility in asking God to do so.
I've read books and testimonies. I don't want an easy fix so don't send me one. I want a day when I'm not held back by pounds, held back from taking Madalynn swimming on her birthday, held back from dancing with the Wii at a party. I don't want a ploy, although my calories spared put into food storage was a pretty clever one. I just want to get along with food. I want to be an all out lover, teacher, and steward ...none of which I can claim excellence in right now because of the missing link.
I have several things in the closet I could wear when Macklynn was 2, only 5 years ago and 29 pounds less. Truth is my fat clothes are wearing out and since we're up against a deadline of debt, it makes no sense to buy new ones, not even Goodwill ones.
Once the inside is fixed, I don't see how it could be very hard for the outside to be. Who is my body to tell me what to do? My mind has to set itself firm and my heart has to seek God when I'd find comfort somewhere other than in Him.
I'd love to say this is going to be a quick exact science, but my life is by grace not law. Weight loss sways with hormones and holidays and hinderances, but what I have to master is the "moderation in all things". I need to look on a portion Madalynn has left as a gift and possibly all I need at the time. Speaking of gifts, I get those in food form pretty often and I'll have to ask the family to understand when I only allow myself half or so. Strange behaviors are inevitable, like when I jump up and set my plate outside. As gross as it is, I even spit out something the other day when I was eating by myself and realized I was already full.
Exercise can't be the pivotal point, although I will age hand over foot if I don't. I'm tempted by the "last supper" phenomenon right now but I know doing it and sitting on this blog, not distrubuting it, is just one more way to make me ineffective and unattractive. Listen, Mr. WouldKeepMeDownandOut, this is my body and it'll do what I tell it to, so go ahead and get behind me because soon I'll be stepping so fast away from you that you won't keep up. Your traps will only remind me of who I don't want to be and my true friends will tell me that I can be whoever I want to be.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Who Needs a Vacation When You Have a Mike?
Sunbathing and blogging are two of the things I've resolved to enjoy on Sundays ...on warm Sundays anyway, since Sundays ARE times of reflection, rest, and reinvigoration. There've been reasons that I've not been available by anything but phone for a few days; but before I explain, I'll go back a month: Mike asked me to go on a trip with him to New York, and although I know it's about the only way I'll get any time with him for months, I resisted. After all these years, I still grapple with his spontaneity.
When I settled into "gone" mode, I understood how good it is for me to be reminded of what he lives with. Too, as we were entering upstate New York, I was sure that the song, "Country Must Be Countrywide," is true ...but then the further we went, the more I became dismayed at the disrepair of homes and junk piled up in yards. I'll give them that they were just then exiting winter weather and that local economies are failing, but I think it has darker implications. As we walked through Walmart, watching the people with pajamas on and teeth rotting, we agreed that we could've easily woken up there and mistaken it for the slums of the deep South.
I know what the problems are but solving them is a big bite to chew off. I AM going to make this political because ...it is. So many people are grabbing for payments for disabilities, food stamps, and unemployment that there is simply hardly any incentive to do better. (Why do better anyway when home has never been any particularly good place to be?) If you don't realize that the only reason you're getting this "special treatment" is so you won't "bite the hand that feeds you", then you're a numbskull. The moral apathy that has led to this is deep rooted and brought on as much by so called Christians as anyone. The "shifting sand" of the interpretations of Biblical and Constitutional readings has made the "home" of little regard to anyone ...except to those who cling desperately to the ideal that home is still meant to be the safe, soft, beautiful, and clean place to land after we have exerted ourselves in serving each other and our neighbors. That someone needs to guard and care for its inhabitants fulltime is tossed out as an outdated fantasy. I beg to differ. In fact, I'll fight you 'til the end on it ...and as to the benefit to women, not the entrapment that overwhelms by lighting the candle at both ends.
Society has become so lazy that Mike has serious reservations about growing another trucking company because by all reports, people just won't work, especially when it means days on the road. It didn't even work out with his good friend. He had "people" to see and places to be and work needed to be convenient. Sooo, now we're back to why my company was sought for the trip ...and why I just got back from another.
Mike threw in another "request for my presence" but to Boston this time, which was much nicer viewing. (I forgot to interject earlier that I'm not too close minded to see why liberals want to control our lives; for goodness' sake, look how so many of us are living them. It's a thought that should move us to action, not to be governed but to govern ourselves better. The thing is that they can't do it any better than we can, i.e. drivers' sleep is mandated for public safety, but there are areas where there's hardly a place to stop that isn't full, and with motor homes to boot.)
With so many things "undone", I didn't see how I could swing it with any peace of mind. So, I told him since it was a relatively simple delivery that he should take one of the little ones. As I moved about getting things "done", he came up with the brilliant idea of the two of us going with the two little ones. Since the older ones would be relieved of childcare, they could complete the projects of the week. Hmm, couldn't argue that.
As Macklynn, 7, sang "I'm so excited and I just can't hide it", we piled in blankets and pillows and toys and books and ..., Mike said he'd just heard that it was National Take Your Kids to Work Day. Well now, don't go around saying I don't observe any holidays! We hit the road as they watched on their elbows out the back windows. It wasn't too long before they grew bored of it and times like those are when I'm glad for Mobigo's and Dsi's ...because, as Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, I wanted to be my husband's "girlfriend". We listened to her show, as we did the last trip, and I committed some tidbits of her advice to memory, so I could check myself and pass it along. Dead ringers for killing a relationship are threatening, nitpicking, clinginess/neediness, and untrustworthiness. For a relationship to thrive, fun and laughing are musts. And as Mike keeps proving, details ...attention to the small things, showing that I matter ...is huge in setting a ship on a different course ...actually, the opposite course.
Right this second the 60 hours of our "voyage" is hazy. Mike took several naps and as soon as we would get 2 of us on the top bunk and 2 on the bottom cozied up, Madalynn, 4, would need something. It was much like a camping trip that I was less than fond of. I'll say on her behalf though that she quietly played her game when she couldn't sleep.
Mike left Macklynn and me on the bottom, wider and softer, mattress for one nap. He reached down to hold my hand and I thought it was very picturesque. He had to get down for something and when he got back on, the corner over my head released. In all the years of riding, I've always been afraid that could happen! ...not that I couldn't stand a little "flattening".
The first night I lay awake as Macklynn sat in the front with Mike for 5 hours asking question after question. As we were approaching New York City, Mike would say, "Look at that!" Macklynn would say, "Daddy, what's the name of that?" He said Daddy so many times that Mike started saying Macklynn before each answer. I giggled, feeling very privileged to hear their volley.
Day 2 I finished "Rescuing Sprite" that Mike bought me. It was hard to read but it let me know that I'm not alone in putting a dog in the category of "beloved". The children were awaiting a stop at Cabela's and it couldn't have come soon enough because even though I tried to engage them with library books, they were bouncing around and sliding off the beds enough for me to say that not mothering any more at my age was wise. Cabela's is kinda like going to the zoo ...if you don't mind the mammals and reptiles being stuffed. Madalynn surely didn't. Macklynn was so elated to look at lures that he sort of rushed through the wall-sized aquariums.
Homebound at dusk, I pulled out the big gun, my designer white flannel gown, and told Mike I was ready for some "truckin'", but he was ready for another nap. He gets so worn out. On the road again, we pulled into his usual fuel stop and ran dry about a football field short of the pumps, so he had to run back and forth a gallon at a time until finally I, in all my flanneled glory, pushed in the clutch and turned the ignition while he sprayed ether. It did the trick and that's what comes with years of experience. Underestimating, now that comes with years of risk taking ;)
Home! I had supper started, a shower, laundry going in no time ...that is, after I admired all the big kids had gotten done, including organization, laundry, wall repair and painting! I had a couple more hours to girl up for what I predict to be one of Lee Brice's last small venue concerts. When we got to Coyote Joes, there were already 3,000 people there, but they must've been waiting for us (after we delivered the nursery's trailer back in SC and arrived 15 minutes before the show at 11 pm) because I got a free CD as Mike showed them our tickets he'd gotten on line.
He'd been saying we needed a date but I didn't know it would be that good and at such a great price. Lee Brice is a true talent ...writing, singing, and playing guitars for his own songs. He's an absolute entertainer and had the crowd turned up. The fun had only begun as we left for the truck at 1:30. Let's just say there are unmentionables still missing in the truck. It's completely cool when you have your own bed (to sleep in, of course ;) in the parking lot. What really sealed the deal for me was this morning after he reloaded, he got us both breakfast. I told him that I'd place a rare turn down for coffee to have a Coke with ice. They didn't have Coke so he went from the restaurant into the station only to find that their machine was down, so he got a bottled Coke and a cup of ice. He went ahead and got coffee too, fixing it with just the right amount of sugar and cream. Too, he didn't forget the ketchup for the food and if you know me well, you know it matters. To top it off, although I need it like a cat needs a hairball, he surprised me with a fresh Boberry Biscuit. Why tell you about the details of a fast food meal? There was a time when the minute things would've done nothing but agitate him. Now, he's using them to turn the ship ...and oftentimes the smallest things quicken the arrival.
When I settled into "gone" mode, I understood how good it is for me to be reminded of what he lives with. Too, as we were entering upstate New York, I was sure that the song, "Country Must Be Countrywide," is true ...but then the further we went, the more I became dismayed at the disrepair of homes and junk piled up in yards. I'll give them that they were just then exiting winter weather and that local economies are failing, but I think it has darker implications. As we walked through Walmart, watching the people with pajamas on and teeth rotting, we agreed that we could've easily woken up there and mistaken it for the slums of the deep South.
I know what the problems are but solving them is a big bite to chew off. I AM going to make this political because ...it is. So many people are grabbing for payments for disabilities, food stamps, and unemployment that there is simply hardly any incentive to do better. (Why do better anyway when home has never been any particularly good place to be?) If you don't realize that the only reason you're getting this "special treatment" is so you won't "bite the hand that feeds you", then you're a numbskull. The moral apathy that has led to this is deep rooted and brought on as much by so called Christians as anyone. The "shifting sand" of the interpretations of Biblical and Constitutional readings has made the "home" of little regard to anyone ...except to those who cling desperately to the ideal that home is still meant to be the safe, soft, beautiful, and clean place to land after we have exerted ourselves in serving each other and our neighbors. That someone needs to guard and care for its inhabitants fulltime is tossed out as an outdated fantasy. I beg to differ. In fact, I'll fight you 'til the end on it ...and as to the benefit to women, not the entrapment that overwhelms by lighting the candle at both ends.
Society has become so lazy that Mike has serious reservations about growing another trucking company because by all reports, people just won't work, especially when it means days on the road. It didn't even work out with his good friend. He had "people" to see and places to be and work needed to be convenient. Sooo, now we're back to why my company was sought for the trip ...and why I just got back from another.
Mike threw in another "request for my presence" but to Boston this time, which was much nicer viewing. (I forgot to interject earlier that I'm not too close minded to see why liberals want to control our lives; for goodness' sake, look how so many of us are living them. It's a thought that should move us to action, not to be governed but to govern ourselves better. The thing is that they can't do it any better than we can, i.e. drivers' sleep is mandated for public safety, but there are areas where there's hardly a place to stop that isn't full, and with motor homes to boot.)
With so many things "undone", I didn't see how I could swing it with any peace of mind. So, I told him since it was a relatively simple delivery that he should take one of the little ones. As I moved about getting things "done", he came up with the brilliant idea of the two of us going with the two little ones. Since the older ones would be relieved of childcare, they could complete the projects of the week. Hmm, couldn't argue that.
As Macklynn, 7, sang "I'm so excited and I just can't hide it", we piled in blankets and pillows and toys and books and ..., Mike said he'd just heard that it was National Take Your Kids to Work Day. Well now, don't go around saying I don't observe any holidays! We hit the road as they watched on their elbows out the back windows. It wasn't too long before they grew bored of it and times like those are when I'm glad for Mobigo's and Dsi's ...because, as Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, I wanted to be my husband's "girlfriend". We listened to her show, as we did the last trip, and I committed some tidbits of her advice to memory, so I could check myself and pass it along. Dead ringers for killing a relationship are threatening, nitpicking, clinginess/neediness, and untrustworthiness. For a relationship to thrive, fun and laughing are musts. And as Mike keeps proving, details ...attention to the small things, showing that I matter ...is huge in setting a ship on a different course ...actually, the opposite course.
Right this second the 60 hours of our "voyage" is hazy. Mike took several naps and as soon as we would get 2 of us on the top bunk and 2 on the bottom cozied up, Madalynn, 4, would need something. It was much like a camping trip that I was less than fond of. I'll say on her behalf though that she quietly played her game when she couldn't sleep.
Mike left Macklynn and me on the bottom, wider and softer, mattress for one nap. He reached down to hold my hand and I thought it was very picturesque. He had to get down for something and when he got back on, the corner over my head released. In all the years of riding, I've always been afraid that could happen! ...not that I couldn't stand a little "flattening".
The first night I lay awake as Macklynn sat in the front with Mike for 5 hours asking question after question. As we were approaching New York City, Mike would say, "Look at that!" Macklynn would say, "Daddy, what's the name of that?" He said Daddy so many times that Mike started saying Macklynn before each answer. I giggled, feeling very privileged to hear their volley.
Day 2 I finished "Rescuing Sprite" that Mike bought me. It was hard to read but it let me know that I'm not alone in putting a dog in the category of "beloved". The children were awaiting a stop at Cabela's and it couldn't have come soon enough because even though I tried to engage them with library books, they were bouncing around and sliding off the beds enough for me to say that not mothering any more at my age was wise. Cabela's is kinda like going to the zoo ...if you don't mind the mammals and reptiles being stuffed. Madalynn surely didn't. Macklynn was so elated to look at lures that he sort of rushed through the wall-sized aquariums.
Homebound at dusk, I pulled out the big gun, my designer white flannel gown, and told Mike I was ready for some "truckin'", but he was ready for another nap. He gets so worn out. On the road again, we pulled into his usual fuel stop and ran dry about a football field short of the pumps, so he had to run back and forth a gallon at a time until finally I, in all my flanneled glory, pushed in the clutch and turned the ignition while he sprayed ether. It did the trick and that's what comes with years of experience. Underestimating, now that comes with years of risk taking ;)
Home! I had supper started, a shower, laundry going in no time ...that is, after I admired all the big kids had gotten done, including organization, laundry, wall repair and painting! I had a couple more hours to girl up for what I predict to be one of Lee Brice's last small venue concerts. When we got to Coyote Joes, there were already 3,000 people there, but they must've been waiting for us (after we delivered the nursery's trailer back in SC and arrived 15 minutes before the show at 11 pm) because I got a free CD as Mike showed them our tickets he'd gotten on line.
He'd been saying we needed a date but I didn't know it would be that good and at such a great price. Lee Brice is a true talent ...writing, singing, and playing guitars for his own songs. He's an absolute entertainer and had the crowd turned up. The fun had only begun as we left for the truck at 1:30. Let's just say there are unmentionables still missing in the truck. It's completely cool when you have your own bed (to sleep in, of course ;) in the parking lot. What really sealed the deal for me was this morning after he reloaded, he got us both breakfast. I told him that I'd place a rare turn down for coffee to have a Coke with ice. They didn't have Coke so he went from the restaurant into the station only to find that their machine was down, so he got a bottled Coke and a cup of ice. He went ahead and got coffee too, fixing it with just the right amount of sugar and cream. Too, he didn't forget the ketchup for the food and if you know me well, you know it matters. To top it off, although I need it like a cat needs a hairball, he surprised me with a fresh Boberry Biscuit. Why tell you about the details of a fast food meal? There was a time when the minute things would've done nothing but agitate him. Now, he's using them to turn the ship ...and oftentimes the smallest things quicken the arrival.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
An Owner's Remorse
It wasn't an accident. It was my fault. She was my charge. I took it for granted, as if she were just another farm dog.
Two and half years ago, we were driving in downtown Statesville when we saw puppies all in a row following their leashed father up the sidewalk. The girls and I squealed and Mike rolled down the window to ask how much she was asking for them. The haggard, young woman said she'd take $40 cash, so Mike promptly parked and walked to the ATM. He gave the puppy to me. She was the only puppy that had ever been exclusively mine.
She was a smooth, honey brindle with blond eyes to match, full of worms and in need of a good home. I did the taking her out for housetraining, not putting it off on the kids. I taught her to sit, and she did it as perfectly as her wiggly backside would allow her, but only for me and Michael, who's grown attached to her, as well.
So, when Michael had to be involved in putting her down, I hurt for him, even as I cried out for my own loss. And Mike, who was ordinarily bothered by her eagerness, was in tears. McKala, too, has recently discovered how genuine her disposition is, no, was. She wasn't aloof, pouty, or spoiled. She was purely sweet, humble, and gentle, especially with the calves and children ...a Pitbull, no less, making her attributes all the more charming and cherished. That she contained her power made her even more attractive.
Her downfall was the racehorse mentality and form she took on as her slender frame ran aside our cars when we exited the property. She truly enjoyed it. Mike's taken measures before by throwing firecrackers from the car window. He's been gone
working so much that the job fell on me… and I procrastinated the chance away. So, you see that this was premature and not simply incidental for a healthy, young animal. She was mine to protect, but I disregarded it, not giving her the time she deserved to prevent her pitiful demise.
Just this week, I'd been talking with Megan about the training classes she and her dog are enrolled in. Still, I let my own priorities stand in the way of training the dangerous habit out of her. So now, everyone is suffering. Three of the older children were in the truck as Dusty, Miranda's boyfriend, was driving them to church and hit her.
He came back in the house and said Miranda needed me down by the bridge. After that, all I heard was "Tootsie.” Mike, who would've been gone on a trip already, jumped in the car directly while I stayed trying to prepare myself. Michael and he put her into our car and drove her to the other side of the field. I walked toward it, beginning to weep, more out of control than I thought I'd be. I had no idea that it would come so hard. I'm practical; I keep my cool in tragedies. But my cool escaped me.
The side door was open, and there she lay on Macklynn's fleece blanket, heaving for air as blood oozed from what was otherwise her God-given permanent smile. Her eyes were confused and pleading. Her fur has always been the smoothest I think I've felt, and I pet it tenderly… and reconciled that her misery had to be taken from her swiftly. So, I stepped away to the end of Mike's trailer waiting for her final moment.
In my outburst, I didn't hear Mike behind me, broken that she had mustered the energy to climb to the back of the car when she saw the weapon. He searched for another way, but not only did we not have the means for invasive surgury, she needed for it to end. So, he ended it, and in those few seconds afterwards, the only solace I had was that it wasn't a child in that wretched state.
As they went to gather shovels and post hole diggers for her burial, I stayed by the barn, still surprised at the emotion that had come over me. I've always been a little nonchalant about the lives of animals. I'd be a liar now, if I didn't admit that I wish she could hold a special guard, as she has here, in heaven until I get there. She was much more of an extension of me than I understood.
As I contemplated, Dusty approached the soft, sunny spot, where the brook meets the creek, that we'd chosen. Still across the drive by the barn, I watched as the three dug. It was an eerily pristine sight, the leaves blowing against the blue sky, the bright green plants and weeds growing all around, while they solemnly dug. I knew how Dusty must be feeling, and I thought it very noble of him to do exactly the right thing alongside the other men.
Rusty, our Beagle, Tootsie's constant playmate, is sitting here after every investigation, and I think he's finally discovered that she is in her grave. His brow is furrowed with his head hung low.
With all the outdoor work, I've thought a couple of times this week of our animals that didn't make it to see Spring. I thanked God in all sincerity for the ones that did. But here my Tootsie is in the ground growing cold. Satan will not have his way of bitterness with me though. I've asked God to forgive me for my negligence, to change and teach me through it. Guilt covers me, but it won't keep me because I have young ones to look after. I haven't even seen them to talk about their own feelings about her.
I pray this unnecessary occurrence sharpens me in how I conduct thoughts and time with my family, that trivialness not numb my senses. So many things "fall into place" for us, but when they don't, we must "make a way" for them. That's what training is, a preparation for what can come or for, more likely, what is coming… whether physical or spiritual attack… awareness to go with a hunch or a bidding to save a life.
Mike had to leave for Oregon; some went on to church; and Memaw and Pop are waiting with the others in the house. I hate this for them, too, since the last time they were here, last fall, 2 of our calves were literally dying.
I've taken a picture of Tootsie’s spilled crimson blood on a heart shaped plant and will remember her moreso by it… because it's the only thing between the blessings of living in a gorgeous day and the cursings of extinquishing the vitality of a gorgeous creature… which could be any one of us… coursing blood or shed blood.
This concludes the chapter of the days with my happy puppy, who has sat with me through some very heavy times. She had a "knowing" to still herself when I was somber. She understood my tone and busied herself around the edges of the pond, warding off percieved threats. She'd tangle with a snake in a heartbeat but would rather submit her underbelly for me to rub. So, that's how I'll remember her every time I look at this big collar she wore that she never quite grew into with her tall, slim, feminine frame that playfully scrubbed her back on the asphalt until the protruding studs wore down. The age old story is found here; we hardly have an idea of the joy that's given us, until it's snatched away.
She was part of my beautiful landscape. I thought I'd raise her into the adulthoods of the kids. I thought we'd age gracefully together. However, Smokey, our black Lab, is already aging, and as I sat with Madalynn on our makeshift beach this evening, he laid up right beside me, reminding me to pet him when I stopped ...glad, I'm sure, that Tootsie wasn't pushing her way in for more than her fair share of affection. If he's good with that, I'm good with that, too. And I can't go without saying that when I came in the house from writing the main body of this, Melody, 11, had cleaned (as her helpful gesture) top to bottom from the weekend of company we'd had. There are only certain times when acts of kindness can mean that much.
Two and half years ago, we were driving in downtown Statesville when we saw puppies all in a row following their leashed father up the sidewalk. The girls and I squealed and Mike rolled down the window to ask how much she was asking for them. The haggard, young woman said she'd take $40 cash, so Mike promptly parked and walked to the ATM. He gave the puppy to me. She was the only puppy that had ever been exclusively mine.
She was a smooth, honey brindle with blond eyes to match, full of worms and in need of a good home. I did the taking her out for housetraining, not putting it off on the kids. I taught her to sit, and she did it as perfectly as her wiggly backside would allow her, but only for me and Michael, who's grown attached to her, as well.
So, when Michael had to be involved in putting her down, I hurt for him, even as I cried out for my own loss. And Mike, who was ordinarily bothered by her eagerness, was in tears. McKala, too, has recently discovered how genuine her disposition is, no, was. She wasn't aloof, pouty, or spoiled. She was purely sweet, humble, and gentle, especially with the calves and children ...a Pitbull, no less, making her attributes all the more charming and cherished. That she contained her power made her even more attractive.
Her downfall was the racehorse mentality and form she took on as her slender frame ran aside our cars when we exited the property. She truly enjoyed it. Mike's taken measures before by throwing firecrackers from the car window. He's been gone
working so much that the job fell on me… and I procrastinated the chance away. So, you see that this was premature and not simply incidental for a healthy, young animal. She was mine to protect, but I disregarded it, not giving her the time she deserved to prevent her pitiful demise.
Just this week, I'd been talking with Megan about the training classes she and her dog are enrolled in. Still, I let my own priorities stand in the way of training the dangerous habit out of her. So now, everyone is suffering. Three of the older children were in the truck as Dusty, Miranda's boyfriend, was driving them to church and hit her.
He came back in the house and said Miranda needed me down by the bridge. After that, all I heard was "Tootsie.” Mike, who would've been gone on a trip already, jumped in the car directly while I stayed trying to prepare myself. Michael and he put her into our car and drove her to the other side of the field. I walked toward it, beginning to weep, more out of control than I thought I'd be. I had no idea that it would come so hard. I'm practical; I keep my cool in tragedies. But my cool escaped me.
The side door was open, and there she lay on Macklynn's fleece blanket, heaving for air as blood oozed from what was otherwise her God-given permanent smile. Her eyes were confused and pleading. Her fur has always been the smoothest I think I've felt, and I pet it tenderly… and reconciled that her misery had to be taken from her swiftly. So, I stepped away to the end of Mike's trailer waiting for her final moment.
In my outburst, I didn't hear Mike behind me, broken that she had mustered the energy to climb to the back of the car when she saw the weapon. He searched for another way, but not only did we not have the means for invasive surgury, she needed for it to end. So, he ended it, and in those few seconds afterwards, the only solace I had was that it wasn't a child in that wretched state.
As they went to gather shovels and post hole diggers for her burial, I stayed by the barn, still surprised at the emotion that had come over me. I've always been a little nonchalant about the lives of animals. I'd be a liar now, if I didn't admit that I wish she could hold a special guard, as she has here, in heaven until I get there. She was much more of an extension of me than I understood.
As I contemplated, Dusty approached the soft, sunny spot, where the brook meets the creek, that we'd chosen. Still across the drive by the barn, I watched as the three dug. It was an eerily pristine sight, the leaves blowing against the blue sky, the bright green plants and weeds growing all around, while they solemnly dug. I knew how Dusty must be feeling, and I thought it very noble of him to do exactly the right thing alongside the other men.
Rusty, our Beagle, Tootsie's constant playmate, is sitting here after every investigation, and I think he's finally discovered that she is in her grave. His brow is furrowed with his head hung low.
With all the outdoor work, I've thought a couple of times this week of our animals that didn't make it to see Spring. I thanked God in all sincerity for the ones that did. But here my Tootsie is in the ground growing cold. Satan will not have his way of bitterness with me though. I've asked God to forgive me for my negligence, to change and teach me through it. Guilt covers me, but it won't keep me because I have young ones to look after. I haven't even seen them to talk about their own feelings about her.
I pray this unnecessary occurrence sharpens me in how I conduct thoughts and time with my family, that trivialness not numb my senses. So many things "fall into place" for us, but when they don't, we must "make a way" for them. That's what training is, a preparation for what can come or for, more likely, what is coming… whether physical or spiritual attack… awareness to go with a hunch or a bidding to save a life.
Mike had to leave for Oregon; some went on to church; and Memaw and Pop are waiting with the others in the house. I hate this for them, too, since the last time they were here, last fall, 2 of our calves were literally dying.
I've taken a picture of Tootsie’s spilled crimson blood on a heart shaped plant and will remember her moreso by it… because it's the only thing between the blessings of living in a gorgeous day and the cursings of extinquishing the vitality of a gorgeous creature… which could be any one of us… coursing blood or shed blood.
This concludes the chapter of the days with my happy puppy, who has sat with me through some very heavy times. She had a "knowing" to still herself when I was somber. She understood my tone and busied herself around the edges of the pond, warding off percieved threats. She'd tangle with a snake in a heartbeat but would rather submit her underbelly for me to rub. So, that's how I'll remember her every time I look at this big collar she wore that she never quite grew into with her tall, slim, feminine frame that playfully scrubbed her back on the asphalt until the protruding studs wore down. The age old story is found here; we hardly have an idea of the joy that's given us, until it's snatched away.
She was part of my beautiful landscape. I thought I'd raise her into the adulthoods of the kids. I thought we'd age gracefully together. However, Smokey, our black Lab, is already aging, and as I sat with Madalynn on our makeshift beach this evening, he laid up right beside me, reminding me to pet him when I stopped ...glad, I'm sure, that Tootsie wasn't pushing her way in for more than her fair share of affection. If he's good with that, I'm good with that, too. And I can't go without saying that when I came in the house from writing the main body of this, Melody, 11, had cleaned (as her helpful gesture) top to bottom from the weekend of company we'd had. There are only certain times when acts of kindness can mean that much.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Caution: Once You've Read It, You're Responsible for It
I have a lot of preferences: likes, don't care for's, and can't stand's. But there are some things that are unquestionable, so here they go:
Cursing: "Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren,
these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same
place sweet water and bitter?" Jas 3:10-11
Preachers: "But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over
the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was the first formed,
then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being
deceived was in transgression." 1Tim 12:14
Homosexuality: "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even
women did change the natural use into that which is against
nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the
woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men
working that which is unseemly... receiving in themselves that
recompence of their error which was meet." Rom 1:26-27
Spanking: "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the
rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod... deliver
his soul from hell." Prov 23:13-14. "Chasten thy son while there is
hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying." Prov 13:25 ...yet
"Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be
discouraged." Col 3:21 (I "beateth" on the fanny so that they
remembereth it for a long time.")
Tithing: "Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein
wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings. Ye are cursed
with a curse for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation. Bring ye
all the tithes into the storehouse... there may be meat in mine house,
prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you
windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be
room enough to receive it." Malachi 3:8-10.
Adultery a/k/a
shacking up and
porn: "Stolen waters are sweet and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
But he knoweth not that the dead
are there; and that her guests are in
the depths of hell." Prov 9:17 "For
a whore is a deep ditch; and a
strange woman is a narrow pit. She
also lieth in wait as for a prey, and
increaseth the transgressors among
men." Prov 23:27-28
Thoughts: "Commit thy works to the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established."
Prov 16:3. "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that
exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity
every thought to the obedience of Christ; and having in a readiness to
revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled." 2 Cor 10:
5-6.
Vegetarianism: "For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if
it be received with thanksgiving: for it is santified by the word of
God and prayer." 1 Tim 4:4-5
Social life
and judgements: "I wrote unto you in the epistle not to company with fornicators:
Yet not altogether with the fornicators of the world, or with the
covetous, or the extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must
ye needs go out of the world. But now I have written unto you
not to keep the company, if any man that is called a brother be
a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a
drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.
For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do
not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without
God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that
wicked person." 1 Cor 5:9-13.
"At home moms": "The aged women ...that they may teach the young women to be
sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be
discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own
husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."
Titus 2:3-5. Too ..."She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with
the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard." Prov 31:16.
"She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto
the merchant." 31:24. "She looketh well to the ways of her
household and eateth not the bread of idleness." 31:27.
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that
feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." 31:30.
Husbands: "... ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving
honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs
together of the grace of life; THAT YOUR PRAYERS BE NOT
HINDERED." 1 Pet 3:7. Yes, I inserted my own caps but I'm pretty
sure this is overlooked rather often.
Premarital/
Extramarital sex: "Flee fornication. Every sin that man doeth is without the body;
but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy
Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not
your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God
in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." 1 Cor 6:18-20
Alcohol: "... time past of our life may suffice us to have wrought the will of the
gentiles, when we walked in lasciviousness, lusts, EXCESS of wine,
revellings, banquetings, and abominable idolatries." 1 Pet 4:3. "They
that tarry LONG at the wine; they that go to seek mixed wine." Prov 23:
30. By these references, how can one assume that abstinence of it is
required?
God hates: "These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are and abomination
unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed
innocent blood, and heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that
swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies... he
that soweth discord among brethren." Prov 6:16-19.
Abortion: "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest
forth out of the womb I sanctified thee ..." Jer 1:5.
Secrets: "For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing,
whether it be good, or whether it be evil." Ecc 12:14
Being Content: "Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their
trust in him. Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee,
and thou be found a liar. Two things have I required of thee; deny
me them not before I die: Remove far from me vanity and lies:
give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient
for me: Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the Lord?
or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain."
Prov 30:5-9. "Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great
treasure and trouble therewith." 15:16. "Better is little with
righteousness than great revenues without right." 16:8. "I know
both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where
and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry,
both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through
Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4:12-13. "Let your
conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such
things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor
forsake thee." Heb 13:5.
Laziness: "He that loveth pleasure shall be a poor man: he the loveth wine and oil
shall not be rich." Prov 21: 17. "The desire of the slothful killeth him; for
his hands refuse to labour." 21:25. "Slothfulness casteth into a deep
sleep; and an idle soul shall suffer hunger." Prov 19:15. And btw:
"And furthermore, by these, my son, be admonished: of making many
books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh." Ecc
12:12.
Youth: "Flee youthful lusts but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them
that call on the Lord out of a pure heart." 2 Tim 2:22. "Young men
likewise exhort to be sober minded. In all things shewing thyself a pattern
of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,
sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary
part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you." Titus 2:6-8.
CHRISTIANS: "Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels
of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness,
longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another,
even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these
things PUT ON CHARITY, which is the bond of perfectness.
And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also
ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the word of
Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing
one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with
grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatsoever ye do in word
or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to
God and the Father by him." Col 3:12-17.
Christianity: "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit
the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself
unspotted from the world." Jam 1:27. "We that are strong ought to
bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves." Prov
15:1.
I have several other verses that've been highlighting themselves all evening and I'm glad to report that I'm becoming so familiar with the Bible that I found all but 4 or 5 of them without any help. It's all so intriguing to me but 3:29 am
hits harder than it used to. The ones I have looked up and put here are
the beginning of my proclamation that I unapologetically believe, staking my life on
every word. Not that long ago, I would've been prevented to claim such, by my own shadiness. Now though, IF MY DECISIVENESS CAUSES DIVISIVENESS, THEN COME WHAT MAY, BECAUSE I'VE LIVED TOO MUCH OF MY LIFE IN THE GRAY.
It's exactly 4:29 now, so I might as well say a good portion of what's left on my mind. It'll take some more digging to back every claim, but common sense speaking to this society we're functioning in is direly needed. To hold fast to the freedoms that are left in America, we simply cannot afford to be uneducated about our leaders' decisions. Be it for the lesser of 2 (or more) evils, the luxury of having a choice in the direction of our nation should never, not ever, be taken for granted. To rely on mainstream media and news for trustworthy information has proven moranic. To believe that indebtedness, which the Bible speaks specifically against, will create a more responsible environment for the citizenry is absurd. To think the public educational system as a whole isn't reaching into our pockets to extend and benefit itself is foolish. To expect our young adults to remain chaste until college graduation and an ideal job landing is made to foster a serious relationship ...oh, at 27 years old or so ...isn't an impossiblity but is a burden that few can survive.
Think what you will about self protection, but I read today that "A citizen who shirks his duty to contribute to the security of his community is little better than the criminal who threatens it."
I don't have objections to the idea of "going green" but not to benefit the underhanded gainseekers of mandated products and services. I'm all for "the simple life" but sometimes "life ain't that simple".
Entertainment: if you watch it, listen to it, or read it for anything other than insight, you condone and fund it. Denial won't make it an easier pill to swallow.
My own admission is that of my greatest remaining vice: appetite. I've investigated every cause: the barrier it creates, anxiety, injury, and the rest of the gamut. Truth is I like quality, well cooked meals; so it boils down to immediate gratification or delayed gratification, how badly do I want one or the other, and who is affected by that choice.
Because I've harden toward it, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Ps 139:23-24.
It's 5:12 and I've let enough out to finally sleep.
Cursing: "Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren,
these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same
place sweet water and bitter?" Jas 3:10-11
Preachers: "But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over
the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was the first formed,
then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being
deceived was in transgression." 1Tim 12:14
Homosexuality: "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even
women did change the natural use into that which is against
nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the
woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men
working that which is unseemly... receiving in themselves that
recompence of their error which was meet." Rom 1:26-27
Spanking: "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the
rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod... deliver
his soul from hell." Prov 23:13-14. "Chasten thy son while there is
hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying." Prov 13:25 ...yet
"Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be
discouraged." Col 3:21 (I "beateth" on the fanny so that they
remembereth it for a long time.")
Tithing: "Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein
wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings. Ye are cursed
with a curse for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation. Bring ye
all the tithes into the storehouse... there may be meat in mine house,
prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you
windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be
room enough to receive it." Malachi 3:8-10.
Adultery a/k/a
shacking up and
porn: "Stolen waters are sweet and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
But he knoweth not that the dead
are there; and that her guests are in
the depths of hell." Prov 9:17 "For
a whore is a deep ditch; and a
strange woman is a narrow pit. She
also lieth in wait as for a prey, and
increaseth the transgressors among
men." Prov 23:27-28
Thoughts: "Commit thy works to the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established."
Prov 16:3. "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that
exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity
every thought to the obedience of Christ; and having in a readiness to
revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled." 2 Cor 10:
5-6.
Vegetarianism: "For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if
it be received with thanksgiving: for it is santified by the word of
God and prayer." 1 Tim 4:4-5
Social life
and judgements: "I wrote unto you in the epistle not to company with fornicators:
Yet not altogether with the fornicators of the world, or with the
covetous, or the extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must
ye needs go out of the world. But now I have written unto you
not to keep the company, if any man that is called a brother be
a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a
drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.
For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do
not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without
God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that
wicked person." 1 Cor 5:9-13.
"At home moms": "The aged women ...that they may teach the young women to be
sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be
discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own
husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."
Titus 2:3-5. Too ..."She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with
the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard." Prov 31:16.
"She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto
the merchant." 31:24. "She looketh well to the ways of her
household and eateth not the bread of idleness." 31:27.
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that
feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." 31:30.
Husbands: "... ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving
honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs
together of the grace of life; THAT YOUR PRAYERS BE NOT
HINDERED." 1 Pet 3:7. Yes, I inserted my own caps but I'm pretty
sure this is overlooked rather often.
Premarital/
Extramarital sex: "Flee fornication. Every sin that man doeth is without the body;
but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy
Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not
your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God
in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." 1 Cor 6:18-20
Alcohol: "... time past of our life may suffice us to have wrought the will of the
gentiles, when we walked in lasciviousness, lusts, EXCESS of wine,
revellings, banquetings, and abominable idolatries." 1 Pet 4:3. "They
that tarry LONG at the wine; they that go to seek mixed wine." Prov 23:
30. By these references, how can one assume that abstinence of it is
required?
God hates: "These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are and abomination
unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed
innocent blood, and heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that
swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies... he
that soweth discord among brethren." Prov 6:16-19.
Abortion: "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest
forth out of the womb I sanctified thee ..." Jer 1:5.
Secrets: "For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing,
whether it be good, or whether it be evil." Ecc 12:14
Being Content: "Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their
trust in him. Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee,
and thou be found a liar. Two things have I required of thee; deny
me them not before I die: Remove far from me vanity and lies:
give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient
for me: Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the Lord?
or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain."
Prov 30:5-9. "Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great
treasure and trouble therewith." 15:16. "Better is little with
righteousness than great revenues without right." 16:8. "I know
both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where
and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry,
both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through
Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4:12-13. "Let your
conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such
things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor
forsake thee." Heb 13:5.
Laziness: "He that loveth pleasure shall be a poor man: he the loveth wine and oil
shall not be rich." Prov 21: 17. "The desire of the slothful killeth him; for
his hands refuse to labour." 21:25. "Slothfulness casteth into a deep
sleep; and an idle soul shall suffer hunger." Prov 19:15. And btw:
"And furthermore, by these, my son, be admonished: of making many
books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh." Ecc
12:12.
Youth: "Flee youthful lusts but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them
that call on the Lord out of a pure heart." 2 Tim 2:22. "Young men
likewise exhort to be sober minded. In all things shewing thyself a pattern
of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,
sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary
part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you." Titus 2:6-8.
CHRISTIANS: "Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels
of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness,
longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another,
even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these
things PUT ON CHARITY, which is the bond of perfectness.
And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also
ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the word of
Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing
one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with
grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatsoever ye do in word
or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to
God and the Father by him." Col 3:12-17.
Christianity: "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit
the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself
unspotted from the world." Jam 1:27. "We that are strong ought to
bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves." Prov
15:1.
I have several other verses that've been highlighting themselves all evening and I'm glad to report that I'm becoming so familiar with the Bible that I found all but 4 or 5 of them without any help. It's all so intriguing to me but 3:29 am
hits harder than it used to. The ones I have looked up and put here are
the beginning of my proclamation that I unapologetically believe, staking my life on
every word. Not that long ago, I would've been prevented to claim such, by my own shadiness. Now though, IF MY DECISIVENESS CAUSES DIVISIVENESS, THEN COME WHAT MAY, BECAUSE I'VE LIVED TOO MUCH OF MY LIFE IN THE GRAY.
It's exactly 4:29 now, so I might as well say a good portion of what's left on my mind. It'll take some more digging to back every claim, but common sense speaking to this society we're functioning in is direly needed. To hold fast to the freedoms that are left in America, we simply cannot afford to be uneducated about our leaders' decisions. Be it for the lesser of 2 (or more) evils, the luxury of having a choice in the direction of our nation should never, not ever, be taken for granted. To rely on mainstream media and news for trustworthy information has proven moranic. To believe that indebtedness, which the Bible speaks specifically against, will create a more responsible environment for the citizenry is absurd. To think the public educational system as a whole isn't reaching into our pockets to extend and benefit itself is foolish. To expect our young adults to remain chaste until college graduation and an ideal job landing is made to foster a serious relationship ...oh, at 27 years old or so ...isn't an impossiblity but is a burden that few can survive.
Think what you will about self protection, but I read today that "A citizen who shirks his duty to contribute to the security of his community is little better than the criminal who threatens it."
I don't have objections to the idea of "going green" but not to benefit the underhanded gainseekers of mandated products and services. I'm all for "the simple life" but sometimes "life ain't that simple".
Entertainment: if you watch it, listen to it, or read it for anything other than insight, you condone and fund it. Denial won't make it an easier pill to swallow.
My own admission is that of my greatest remaining vice: appetite. I've investigated every cause: the barrier it creates, anxiety, injury, and the rest of the gamut. Truth is I like quality, well cooked meals; so it boils down to immediate gratification or delayed gratification, how badly do I want one or the other, and who is affected by that choice.
Because I've harden toward it, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Ps 139:23-24.
It's 5:12 and I've let enough out to finally sleep.
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