Georgia on My Mind

     With our well-placed confidence in our family friend, Ali Robbins, to take care of our pets, we hit "Hotlanta" around 2 am, everybody awake wanting the windows down as we passed the highrises, all singing at the top of their lungs.  We went directly to Megan's place on the back of Mom and Dad's property.  She was waiting for us as they all piled out, no matter how tired.  It was the first time the kids have seen their sister and her dog (since she moved out last summer) in her new surroundings.  They ran in and out of the rooms while Macklynn checked every cabinet he could reach.  I finally got the boys and younger girls coralled in the car, leaving the older ones to sleep at Megan's.
     We've only been going once a year, so to walk into my parents' house in all its neatness and good smells is precious to me.  There is a room, the "moose room", reserved just for the children, with 2 sets of bunk beds.  Then there is the room painted in pale blue for Mike and me.  Mom had used her overtime money to buy a new mattress for it and I slept like a girl who hadn't been to her Mom's in a year.
     Saturday morning was spent preparing for a day on the lake with my Dad and his boat.  While most of  the kids piled in "Goliath" (his black extended cab F350 dually with a cover),  my sister in law and 4 year old niece rode with me.  It's a "good ways" to the lake, so we had much overdue "talk time".  I asked her if they were in the "baby business" again and she quickly said, "No".  I knew there was a problem and finally found answers as my brother called and she gave him quick replies trying to hide her emotion from me.  He "doesn't love her anymore ...and thinks he never did".  There, of course, is much more and he is demanding a divorce.  I have a letter written for him that I've yet to mail.  Funny, I've been blogging about this sorta thing all year and I'm sure he has no idea of it.  I read an article while sitting here, at Wake Forest ER with Mike, that could be just what he needs to accompany my letter.
      We always take out the 3 seater float and everyone was old enough to ride this year.  The thrill comes when crossing the wake in a turn, pulling however many g's.  My other sister in law and I tried it last year and it was all I could do to hold myself in.  The kids just can't get enough of it.  Megan met us after work and just as everyone got a turn, we heard the storm coming.  Macklynn was good with that since it meant he'd get to fish under the bridge.  We tied up in anticipation.  The boys got the rods ready as the girls sat on the front watching the storm line approaching.  The wind began to blow sideways.  Dad dismissed my look of concern by saying he's seen much worse on his ocean excursions.  The weather changed so dramatically that we all were cold and wrapped in towels.  As the kids made the best of it by standing against the wind and flying the colors of the towels over their heads, I watched the other boats bail out one at a time.  Yes, we were the last of 2 left and then as we finally pulled out, the storm broke.   Anyway, too much sun was had and Grandmother had something good cooked up upon our return. 
     I'll interupt here to say that I'm sitting by the pond in the sand under the shade of a large Dogwood Tree watching Macklynn, Madalynn, and Trevor chase Tootsie back and forth in single file to rescue the frog she's caught from the pond.  I thought I'd stop to take a dip with them but the clouds are slowly rolling in.  The dragonflies and tiny lavender butterflies are swarming.  I just spotted a Coneflower that has come back from last year and Smokey is right here faithfully guarding over us all.  I love it out here. 
     Sunday afternoon was the wedding day of a cousin.  After Mom's breakfast, the dressing up insued.  The big girls came to the house ready and just in time to put clothes on the young ones as I finished ironing the piece each needed.  Megan took her role back immediately as big sister and had the troups in order.  Arriving at the wedding seemed more like a Facebook reunion than a family one.  So many of the people we haven't seen in years, except with "social networking".  The service was quaint and lovely; their grown children standing near.  The preacher had profound things to say, one: "You may marry the right person but if you treat them wrong, it will the wrong person.  You may marry the wrong person but if you treat them right, it will be the right person."  He was stressing that love is not emotion but action.  Several of the children said I made an audible noise - must've really hit me :) 
     Madalynn sat through the ceremony well enough, but was grumpy even after the pleasing food.  So, she took her bubbles (for the exit of the couple) under the long tablecloth and stayed there for the longest.  That was fine because Mandy, Mike's sister and I got to sit at ease for her to tell me about her and her husband's decision, while they were in Aruba - their first trip alone in years - to renew their vows on their 20th Anniversary and that we should prepare over the next 2 years for that overseas destination.  We missed their first one, so this is something to look forward to.  I couldn't help but think of the irony - that Mike's sister's relationship is on the polar end of my brother and his wife's.
     Mike arrived on another rented Harley just as the wedding ended.  It was the best he could do, exhausted from all the miles in the truck this year.  Right now, I can't remember what we did that evening except that my Mom made every fried thing that our kids love most.  Monday morning though, I slept in and Mike took Miranda for a ride, stopping at his high school and running into one of his coaches.  They ate at the famed Sprayberry's and put into a side bag an order of onion rings and BBQ for me, which is a pretty good way to round out a day of bumming it. 
     Tuesday, Mike and I went on a tour of memory lane, sighting all the changes - places closed up and new ones opened.  First though, we pulled out of Mom and Dad's to spot a work crew of Mike's closest friend, Bubba.  Just so happens, they were on the phone with him about to meet for lunch.  Just so happens, my old jeans ripped from the knee almost to the pocket before we got there so I created a strange posture to hide what is not my best feature.  They got a kick out of witnessing my discomfort getting back on - one threatening to Youtube it.  We ended up at the barber shop where he got his hair cut as a young man.  The very same barber still works there, remembering that he had bought an attachment specifically for Mike's high and tight.  I swiped the magazine I'd read through to cover my gaping hole and we reached his parents' house to wash his hair just in time to catch his Dad about to leave with a puzzled look as to ask why his daughter in law was wearing such a thing.  Once we got back to Mom and Dad's, those favorite jeans met their final destination - the wooden trash can that Mike's Dad had made for them.  My next oldest pair is on its way out, but I have better plans for them - a burning of something that should be too big by the time they are unwearable.  Wish me fortune on that.  I met fortune already in the little "incident" that hadn't taken place in over a year - the thing known as a quickie, which may seem too much to offer here but it speaks everything to the refounding of our marriage.
     Tuesday night, my brother, his wife, Jennifer, and little Maggie were to come over for an early Father's Day gathering for my Dad.  Problem was that I was still furious with my brother, not even having had a conversation about his plan to leave his family and the way in which he's going about it.  Earlier Mike and his classmate/neighbor from elementary and middle school (yes, Facebook friends now) had spoken and planned to connect on his commute.  Little did he know, his timing rescued me from a fallout with my brother at that civil seating we were to attend.  We met "Mr." Felgenhauer at a busy Mexican place right off I-85.  The chips and salsa were really fresh; the margaritas, some of the best I've had; listening to their conversation, priceless; and the Jimmy Buffett singer topped it off.  We got back just in time to see my brother leave.  I'd have felt bad but I asked my Dad if I could join him in some maintenance of his equipment that evening.  He was excited to have someone excited about his entrepreneurship.  He has a "regular" job as the shift manager of a large extrusion plant, but after years of trying several ventures, he hit on a productive one.  He bought the equipment to recycle hydraulic fluid at the very plant he works at.  It's working beautifully for him and provides excellent income.  He showed me every part and its use.  I felt like there were some real father/daughter moments. 
     Mike picked me up from there just in time to meet all the kids (but Madalynn) to see the late night showing of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel.  We rarely all go together anymore, especially with Megan in Georgia now.  Being out late is right up our alley.  We had the viewing to ourselves except for 2 other people and thoroughly enjoyed it.  Afterwards, he and I rode through the square in Newnan, stopping to read the placards and liking the feeling of aloneness. 
     Wednesday, Miranda went to work with Megan.  We gathered the rest of us up to meet them.  For me, it was the first time I'd seen her on this kind of job, the thing she was trained for.  She was uniformed and greasy, her pretty nails traced with black ...gray smudges on her face.  Her coworkers seem to appreciate her and really hammed it up.  It's been a good first experience for her.  I have a feeling she's already looking for more.  Average is something we've hoped the children will never be at peace with.  
     It was lunchtime and Longhorn was happily agreed on.  We look like a party when we're all seated together.  We were louder than Mike was comfortable with.  Thankfully, it was midafternoon and no one cared.  I especially didn't after my marvelous Long Island tea that the waitress had asked the bartender to "do up right".  Thanks to Mike for the hard work that pays for a $200 meal. 
    Macklynn was the fortunate canditate to ride home on the back of the bike.  He propped up his elbows like he owned the road for those 45 minutes.   They made a pitstop to get Daddy a new wallet.  Daddy let Macklynn pick out a thing or two of his own.  When they got back, Mike presented me with a very nice fushcia "Pirate" inspired pea blouse.  I should look more like Penelope Cruz for him; I know I haven't tried hard enough - to at least be Michelle "Cruz" ;)
    The Facebook effect really hit home when I ran down to the corner store to buy milk because we had diminished Mom's supply.  The girl I was behind in line looked really familiar.  Come to find out, I had never laid eyes on her but am friends with her mother on Facebook, which is where I had seen numerous pictures of the girl.  We both got a laugh out of it and went on our ways.
     Things had moved along so smoothly that I was completely caught off guard with my Dad that evening.  He had been in talks with Mike and Miranda about the purchase of his old Honda he drives to work.  Some repairs were done so the price went up.  For some reason, he asked me about it at the table.  I told him in complete respect that we were going to outright buy it, but now we couldn't cut a check for the new amount.  Nothing more was said until he stormed into the dark room where Mom and I were watching a movie with the kids, showed me the Blue Book, walked away, and said he was keeping it.  I was confounded and hurt that he would do such a thing the last night we were there and that it only comes once a year.  In the back of my mind lurked the idea that we should have honored "the 3 day limit" rule.  He continued his resolve as he did not speak to me again before he left out on his extended fishing trip that would see him home after our departure.   Mom says it was a misunderstanding.  I called him later to say, "Happy Father's Day".  I'm glad we had reason to speak because words can be silent for far too long, but he acted as if nothing had happened, even asking me if I was sure about the car.  What I'm not sure of is where he and I stand right now.
     Mike got the call earlier on that there was a mistake with his rental and they needed it back the next morning.  He was sick that evening and thankfully missed the events with my Dad.  He also missed spending even a night with his parents.  I'm glad he had squeeked in a visit with them and a couple of his friends.  I worried that he headed out in the very early AM feeling sick, but I know he preferred the air of the night ride.  He called later to say he'd found our only indoor pet (a cat), Fiona, so injured she was still and pitiful.  He took her to the vet because there was a tear, a large portion of her back leg open and infected, requiring several stitches.  He was beside himself that Tootsie had done it and insisted I find somewhere to give her away.  After my exchange with Dad, the bad news really distracted me from the vacation. Yesterday morning, he said that he opened the door for Fiona, who is healing well, and she met Tootsie with a lick on the nose.  He's sure that if the attack was from her that no such encounter would've taken place that morning.  I can mark one more stress out of my life and keep my spunky, sometimes rambunctious, puppy.
     My mother had to work every day since the weekend.  The state simply does not allow the benefits they once did.  The job that she does is indispensable, plus she was on call.  My timing for the trip stunk but we didn't have much way around it.  So Thursday morning before I woke the kids to straighten up to leave this portion of our trip, I sat in her garden drinking her vanilla coffee realizing I'd hardly had any real conversation with her but that her flowers spoke of her and her easy going, laid back demeanor - appreciator of simple things, so much so that she's hard to find a gift for because she demands so little. 
    Chagrin filled that otherwise serene setting as I thought of the unexplained behaviour of my father and that I was leaving in its dim light.  Why do we overshadow special events with our personal affronts?  I 've done it myself when I was younger out of jealousy or pride, but shouldn't we grow out of it as we come to understand the sweet memories we taint?
     All packed in, we went to Mike's parents' to stay (only 15 or 20 minutes from mine) and I'd be remiss to say it was not a relief and I told them so.  Mandy and the twins, Emily and Avery, were already there and ready to hit the pool.  Since  "Aunt Mandy and Uncle Gregg" had wisely opted for the country along with horses and 4 wheeling, they left their oft visited pool and self built cabana behind, so Memaw's friend graciously offered up their pool for an afternoon visit.  The kids/waterbugs had a big ole time.  Michael could still even do his flips off the board.  He was learning to do back handsprings at the end of the girls' gymnastic class when we picked up and moved from the mountains.
     Exhausted from pool games and wrestling, we piled the wetheads back in the cars to go help Memaw cook some of her signature dishes.  She had already cooked the desserts and decided we could "test" them all that night.  The lively talk with my funny sister in law and mother in law was just what I needed.  Getting everyone to calm down and then bed down took a while, though.  There is plenty of room for everyone there, but Michael has outgrown the foldout chair bed by a foot, but Macklynn won't sleep in that room by himself, so Michael "endured".  He sleeps so hard, I'm not sure it mattered. 
     Friday morning we had already planned for Memaw to have some "quality" shopping time with the older girls.  I decided to take the others to Sewell Park behind the high school I went to.  We got close just in time to see the black clouds approaching.  I went ahead and got gas so we could turn around.  Just as the pump was finishing, I saw a disturbance across the parking lot.  An old Jeep had a girl climb out to be met with another girl who pulled her long blonde hair out by the handfulls.  But then, a man proceded to do the same and began pushing her around.  I had one of the kids call 911 as I began to approach because the men around weren't moving fast enough.  I guess he got a clue and his wimpy butt got scared, so he backed off.  Me and my "sidekick" might've made front page news; instead, we retreated to outrun that storm.  Thoughts of tornadoes were in my mind as we saw branches fall from trees and big trash cans knocked over, but we managed to stay ahead of the rain, making it to the safety of Memaw and Pop's house.  We "rode out" the storm on their back porch, always a favorite place to be. 
     As it passed, the boys reminded me that it was a perfect time to fish.  So, a jump, a hop, and a skip, and we were at Bubba's pond.  Much to his delight, my avid fisherman, Macklynn, caught one within seconds of casting.  It was kinda small as were all the other 10 he caught.  He was unnerved when Michael caught a huge bass and did not want to leave no matter how good Memaw's BBQ was gonna be.  I had to agree in part because watching the mist swirl around atop the water was hypnotizing.  It came to mind that it was a "first" place for Mike and me.  I've read that guilt follows sinisterly even with marriage of the 2 and creates the association of sin with "the act".  I believe it and know that God has a lot of work to do on this hard-wired brain that is conditioned much like that of an animal.  ALAS, a call from Memaw let us know to get it in gear.  It was well worth it; she makes her own Brunswick stew, which was lapped up quickly.   Bellies full, it was time to ...oh, I think that was the night I did the picture albums.  It took me almost 3 hours because we had taken nearly 300 pictures.  Some of kids still have the best ones on their own cameras, especially the one of Miranda in the back seat of the patrol car Megan had picked up for repairs.  I think the fleeting idea of impersonating officers was grinned upon.
     Saturday morning, we rose earlier than the others to watch Bubba's beautiful dimple-faced Jaynie play softball.  We got to enjoy some temperate weather while talking with Renee and their other beautiful all American looking daughter, Sadie.  While we were there, Madalynn finally got to play on a playground.  She's not bashful to make new friends and got right to it.  McKala and Melody got to see what year round ball is about and Michael, well, he must've been in heaven with athletic girls at every vantage point.  Prior to leaving, we'd determined "Chick-a-la" (as Madalynn calls it) would be good.  If we'd left any sooner, we'd missed the give a ways - free sandwiches for all - that is, if you can make it through the congested parking lot of one of the original "Dwarf Houses". 
     We left Macklynn sleeping at the house.  Memaw thought it funny to tell him we'd left him and when he crawled under the bed and wouldn't come out, she realized it wasn't; so, she suggested Pop take him fishing all on his own - good quick thinking!  When we got there, Miranda, Memaw, and Macklynn were playing his first game of Yahtzee.  His second love is gameplaying, so he had no distress left whatsoever.  We had one more round of swimming and not long after that, Megan took the boys to watch Avery's go-kart race.  After dry clothing was dawned by all, I fell asleep on the floor with Madalynn, to wake to a face I've only seen on Facebook since 1989 or so.  Denise Hope now Dollar took the time to ride over with her mother and daughter after a trip in from Alabama just to say hello.  Soon, the girls and I took the pleasure of Memaw's mexican meal.  She made the best guacamole I ever put my lips to and, yes, I came home with the recipe to be an ongoing Harper specialty.  We already have the salsa nailed, so mexican IS on the grocery list for this week.
     We drove down to Mandy and Gregg's at the lower end of the county to see the boys already shooting bottle rockets and lighting firecrackers and sparklers.  They didn't waste any time getting on the 4 wheelers and pushing it to the edge, jumping and kicking up dirt.  Megan got on with Madalynn and gave her a whirl.  More "big" equipment showed up and just as I was about to take the little people in while the big people ratcheted it up a notch, an El Dorado was towed up the drive.  Later explanation was that the V8 engine was being pulled for one of the Jeeps.  Megan was interested in all this "mechanicing" and was not readily accepted by those GA Tech engineers 'til she showed them she knew what she was doing.  And they kept on "doing" 'til 5 am.  There are pictures of the kids spray painting and banging on the body of that thing after somebody used a plasma cutter to take off the roof.  I missed it while I laid on the couch with Macklynn and Madalynn.  Moms have to do that sometimes, so that the older ones can live it up.  I was good with it, but put in an extra prayer that they were safe.  When we drove to the back of the property to round up the redneck warriors, the El Dorado was running and headed toward the trails.  In the night, I could hear the delight of grown men being boys.  I have an affinity for manhood.  I've resented the authority placed with it at times, but I do love the protection, adventure, and confidence of it.
     Sunday morning was Father's Day and I had planned to leave early since I had already given Pop his new shirts (per request of Memaw tired of looking at the old ones), but drifting to sleep after 2 am didn't allow it.  Instead I took it easy, giving last hugs of the trip to Memaw and Megan - a real trooper, staying up to 5 and still making it to go with Memaw to church.  I took my coffee (which Memaw keeps for me since Pop can only have decaf) out to her garden, noticing how large the trees are from the time Mike and I started dating.  He's given her several of the flowers since he's been hauling them the last couple of years.  The kids love their goldfish pond and watching the cats move in and out the flowers.  Their swing frame is covered in Jasmine which was just about to bloom.  I smiled about the table and chairs, she'd thoughtfully bought and Pop had carefully tightened up for us, sitting in the garage behind me, waiting for an escort to North Carolina.
     We crammed everything and everyone into the Sienna and went north.  Thoughts ran rampant in my mind of blessings and concerns.  It was the first Father's Day that we were separated from Mike.  He found entertainment on the road by getting a glimpse of The Thunderbirds and then getting an invitation to have a meal with another Felgenhauer, one of the "northern" ones we've come to know fondly only by Facebook.  By the grace of God, we had a safe return.  The kids might miss the breakfasts as much as anything because I'm not a morning person.  It won't be long before grandparents make their way to us in North Carolina for fall visits.  It'll probably take them that long to recover from us, not from the mess because I think we're careful to stay tidy, but from the sound, the roar and activity of so many Harpers.

You want some truth, you got it

     I do believe I'm accused of judging some neighbors for a shocking subject that has been brought to my attention.  I've said, "If you open the door for the devil, he will walk right in."  If this "accuser" knew who surrendered the information, they would no longer question me, but I'm not about revealing sources; I am at liberty to divulge my own truth.  We all talk of God moving in miracles and blessings.  Why don't we tell some truth of being snatched from the depths?
     So, I'll tell something not even my husband knows, yet.  Remember that house fire we had last year?  I had a classmate tempt me that romantic words on the computer aren't like having a real affair.  As I was feverishly responding, tempted horribly, I saw a wall of orange at the foot of the stairs.  My fingers were on the keys.  Most of you know the things that happened that night and that it could've been much worse.  Before that, I had a person I partied in high school with and was certain we were so wasted he didn't remember, so in the midst of a group joke one night, I accepted him.  I soon realized he had not forgotten and was very interested in resuming the past.  I liked being wanted - my marriage at its lowest point.  Later I wrote him and told him it just couldn't happen.  Weeks passed and he popped up on chat again.  I liked that he was back.  Within hours, Macklynn was sick, paralyzed, and many of you know what agony was gone through, although he walked out of the hospital under his own power 9 days later when 4 months was the diagnosis.  Chat is off and will remain there forever.  
     There's one more thing that my family DOES know about and for Mike's sake and to speak of his character (he boldy professed with no reservation that he left me in a place of desperation after all these years), I will tell it.  I had another schoolmate, truly just a friend that I hadn't seen since I was 14, request a "friendship".  I ignored it for a while and then did a bit of an interview to see his purposes.  We had so much in common in thought, in appreciation of art.  As far as I knew, Mike had no use for me and threatened divorce regularly.  I didn't mean to like this old friend so much.  Although, there were no talks of sexuality, I began to understand that there might be someone who would "have" this mother of so many.  I got honest with myself that I had clung on so long to my marriage out of fear of being alone.  We continued lively conversations and as I look back, I admit that I had entered into an emotional affair.  I didn't make it a secret.  I messaged openly, not really letting anyone get too close though.  Mike realized that my heart had left him completely; he said he could see the deadness in my eyes.  Then, a change like none I've seen took place in him.  It took weeks and months for me to understand that it was real and that there was no right way for me to pursue any other relationship.  I had to wean myself.  In one day it was finished for me.  My childhood friend just vanished.  Many weeks later I found out that this lover of finer things was ...in jail.  You must see where I would have landed myself and the children if I had stubbornly moved forward with this man and ignored the obvious change of the man in front of me.  In hindsight, I should never have had ongoing conversations with him, but my loneliness told me otherwise. 
     So you say "I judge", I say "I know" ...that when we open the door to sin, we will be visited with its creator, perhaps within minutes or hours for those of us who profess the faith and surely know better.  If we're quick to correct our way, we may be spared.  If not, we and the ones we love may be wounded or even destroyed.