I haven't blogged since August 28, 2013. I wouldn't even know THAT much if I hadn't finally remembered the name of this site.
I haven't been silent altogether. I've written hundreds of pages that have yet to be reviewed. Wanting for God's timing, it seems He's waiting to know that I am fully surrendered.
This morning words came to me almost involuntarily. Not knowing if they were haunting me or drawing me forward, I prayed in the shower as they would not cease. It must be something akin to an artist who sees his work before it's done or like Melody, who hears a song and her fingers find it.
I had an experience, a test.
I had what I considered to be the perfect job dropped into my lap a few months ago. A point of perfection is that I would not be dealing with any men, per se. Until last night.
I was dusting a myriad of containers and figurines, when he showed up. I happened to have had make-up on because I had been to lunch.
He shook my hand the way a gentleman should but soon gave himself permission to speak undauntingly of me to her. She said, "Why, she's married." He said, "I am too,"
He justified by saying, "I can still look at the menu but just not order,"
A battle immediately raged in my heart. Who would overcome, the old Michelle who is flattered or the new Michelle who is crucified? This very subject had been a sore spot for me for weeks, except that I was on the losing end. I thought to speak up and tell him that much, and I did.
It hardly dissuaded him. How easy it is to believe that we are the anomaly and that they don't speak or feel that way about just anyone? How ignorant are we to believe the nuances of Satan himself?
As he began to profess himself a Christian, working in the church, I soon had ground to stand on. This morning, much too late, I thought, "This was a self proclaimed 'brother' but he was not treating me as a sister." He wasn't crude or creepy. In fact, he was quite the opposite, well spoken and mannerly.
In the back of your mind, you are doubting me, "Why is this even an issue for you. It isn't for me." Oh really? Your body is dead already? Have you crucified it for the wrong reasons, for your bitterness against being used? I get that, I do. But you were premature. There is a place that I have begged and found very recently where God grants a separation for His purposes, where I can finally view this body as nothing more than an aging vessel that is transporting my soul to eternity; and in the meantime, its desires and needs can be slayed as my Christ's body was. Not so much though that I deny pleasure or service to the husband of my youth, regardless of his own walk or understandings, as I, by the the grace of divinity, ask for nothing and expect nothing in return. Brutally easier said than done, but my spirit is being prepared and made wise for it, even as I write.
So, to this encounter, this man, this brother, I wanted to say something, to confront. For every instance I have ever tried, it has always failed. Truth is that the man who is attracted for physical purposes is soon attracted more for the morality a woman portrays in her argument to show him his error.
I write here in hopes than someone will "get it," that someone will accept that sin begins in the heart, where it covets and longs, which when given the right opportunity begins to commit adultery or at the very least starts to compare what it has to what it doesn't and becomes discontent. "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways," James 1: 8.
The words follow and if fallen on receptive ears, quickly becomes a done deed. For what had been considered innocent play and recreation, stimulation has been passed to another prideful, lonely, and/or greedy heart. The temptation, the using, the hurting of another's faith has begun and resists expulsion tooth and nail.
How do we women get into the heads of men what it's like to be continually hunted, continually the prey? No wonder that girls learn this early and use it to their advantage. But we grow tired and weary, and, yes, bitter, ever searching for that one who will give more than he takes. But wait. How do WE become the ones who give more than we take? Does it not qualify us to stay the course no matter to whom we have committed because the Lord compels us to Himself (2 Cor. 5:14) in spite of the facts. That thing every girl and woman desires deep in her bosom. Approval. There is NO peace until we find that no man's approval, no father's, no husband's, no nobody's matters when we have found through trust and obedience that of our Jesus'.
Alone in His presence in a state of repentance, confusion, brokenness, bewilderment - whatever it takes - get there. To skirt around it, begs an answer to, "How do we know what He ISN'T doing because of what we ARE doing?"
Too, I would ask this man I met, "If your wife would not find out your thoughts or perhaps is even all right with them, why doesn't it matter that it sorrows your Saviour?"
Distractions of the flesh prevent us from revival. I would tell him to return to his wife, whether she is disconnected from him or not, and guide her in leadership and affection until he has won her; and if he cannot and he endures, God will honor him all the better in the end, because he had no earthly reward but the name of Jesus.
