I do believe I'm accused of judging some neighbors for a shocking subject that has been brought to my attention. I've said, "If you open the door for the devil, he will walk right in." If this "accuser" knew who surrendered the information, they would no longer question me, but I'm not about revealing sources; I am at liberty to divulge my own truth. We all talk of God moving in miracles and blessings. Why don't we tell some truth of being snatched from the depths?
So, I'll tell something not even my husband knows, yet. Remember that house fire we had last year? I had a classmate tempt me that romantic words on the computer aren't like having a real affair. As I was feverishly responding, tempted horribly, I saw a wall of orange at the foot of the stairs. My fingers were on the keys. Most of you know the things that happened that night and that it could've been much worse. Before that, I had a person I partied in high school with and was certain we were so wasted he didn't remember, so in the midst of a group joke one night, I accepted him. I soon realized he had not forgotten and was very interested in resuming the past. I liked being wanted - my marriage at its lowest point. Later I wrote him and told him it just couldn't happen. Weeks passed and he popped up on chat again. I liked that he was back. Within hours, Macklynn was sick, paralyzed, and many of you know what agony was gone through, although he walked out of the hospital under his own power 9 days later when 4 months was the diagnosis. Chat is off and will remain there forever.
There's one more thing that my family DOES know about and for Mike's sake and to speak of his character (he boldy professed with no reservation that he left me in a place of desperation after all these years), I will tell it. I had another schoolmate, truly just a friend that I hadn't seen since I was 14, request a "friendship". I ignored it for a while and then did a bit of an interview to see his purposes. We had so much in common in thought, in appreciation of art. As far as I knew, Mike had no use for me and threatened divorce regularly. I didn't mean to like this old friend so much. Although, there were no talks of sexuality, I began to understand that there might be someone who would "have" this mother of so many. I got honest with myself that I had clung on so long to my marriage out of fear of being alone. We continued lively conversations and as I look back, I admit that I had entered into an emotional affair. I didn't make it a secret. I messaged openly, not really letting anyone get too close though. Mike realized that my heart had left him completely; he said he could see the deadness in my eyes. Then, a change like none I've seen took place in him. It took weeks and months for me to understand that it was real and that there was no right way for me to pursue any other relationship. I had to wean myself. In one day it was finished for me. My childhood friend just vanished. Many weeks later I found out that this lover of finer things was ...in jail. You must see where I would have landed myself and the children if I had stubbornly moved forward with this man and ignored the obvious change of the man in front of me. In hindsight, I should never have had ongoing conversations with him, but my loneliness told me otherwise.
So you say "I judge", I say "I know" ...that when we open the door to sin, we will be visited with its creator, perhaps within minutes or hours for those of us who profess the faith and surely know better. If we're quick to correct our way, we may be spared. If not, we and the ones we love may be wounded or even destroyed.
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