Juicy

     I've been tossing this around for a few hours.  Since it's kinda juicy, I'll get more interest, which is a shame because I'm finding that there are those who are drawn to me in my distress but were put off that I found my relief in Christ.  As Megan, our 21 year old, said something like this while ago, "If we're made fit for heaven, we were never meant to fit in here."  She heard that at church this morning, the church she's visiting down in Georgia where I took her when she was a little girl. :) 
     I weigh 207 pounds and have weighed within a few plus or minus of it since Madalynn was born in February 2008.  If you say I wear it well, then you've only seen me standing straight up taking in shallow breaths.  The whole "Boberry Biscuit" thing got my wheels turning again.  Mike knows full well that I don't look or feel my best, yet he gave it to me as an offering of plain kindness.  He hasn't called me a fat anything in a couple of years now and it just isn't right for me to remain "unexceptional" (...that word comes to mind because Macklynn asked me what "exceptional" means and I said, "better than just normal" to which he replied, "Then, I'm exceptional." :D  Anyway, who am I to tease Mike about his trucker belly when I've been hiding my midsection so desperately while seated that I believe I hyperextended my back over time?
      I've been infirmed, indulged, indifferent, and involved, plain busy.  I've procrastinated and at times for the right reason, since I've lost "baby weight" for the WRONG reasons before.  I was hoping my cholesterol numbers would jolt me into action but they weren't that bad.  Daily I ask God to take care of me and was even going to post that "I may not have insurance but I do have assurance".  I can't overlook though that if I'm unwilling to take care of me, there's no humility in asking God to do so. 
     I've read books and testimonies.  I don't want an easy fix so don't send me one.  I want a day when I'm not held back by pounds, held back from taking Madalynn swimming on her birthday, held back from dancing with the Wii at a party.  I don't want a ploy, although my calories spared put into food storage was a pretty clever one.  I just want to get along with food.  I want to be an all out lover, teacher, and steward ...none of which I can claim excellence in right now because of the missing link. 
     I have several things in the closet I could wear when Macklynn was 2, only 5 years ago and 29 pounds less.  Truth is my fat clothes are wearing out and since we're up against a deadline of debt, it makes no sense to buy new ones, not even Goodwill ones. 
     Once the inside is fixed, I don't see how it could be very hard for the outside to be. Who is my body to tell me what to do?  My mind has to set itself firm and my heart has to seek God when I'd find comfort somewhere other than in Him. 
     I'd love to say this is going to be a quick exact science, but my life is by grace not law.  Weight loss sways with hormones and holidays and hinderances, but what I have to master is the "moderation in all things".  I need to look on a portion Madalynn has left as a gift and possibly all I need at the time.  Speaking of gifts, I get those in food form pretty often and I'll have to ask the family to understand when I only allow myself half or so.  Strange behaviors are inevitable, like when I jump up and set my plate outside.  As gross as it is, I even spit out something the other day when I was eating by myself and realized I was already full.
     Exercise can't be the pivotal point, although I will age hand over foot if I don't.  I'm tempted by the "last supper" phenomenon right now but I know doing it and sitting on this blog, not distrubuting it, is just one more way to make me  ineffective and unattractive.  Listen, Mr. WouldKeepMeDownandOut, this is my body and it'll do what I tell it to, so go ahead and get behind me because soon I'll be stepping so fast away from you that you won't keep up.  Your traps will only remind me of who I don't want to be and my true friends will tell me that I can be whoever I want to be.