If I can ward off the sounds at the door of the young cat (that's supposed to be inhabiting the barn), I'll hopefully get quicker at this. Most anything I say tonight has to seem insignificant compared to the peril of the ones on the other side of the world. Actually, I've sat here a few minutes not sure how to move on from that. I can't fathom it.
I've laid out a lot of fairly shocking things and am withholding even more. It could be hard to believe that I really do have high hopes for where my life is headed. For those of you who might think I've poured out too much, my rebuttal is that when we get to where we're going, no one will know how far we've come if I haven't told the truth. Having lived in 9 cities/towns, I don't have the benefit of lifelong neighbors. People only know pieces of me. Without them put together, there is no real perspective. So, I'll run the risk to make the connections to those I value greatly. I've had an influx of letters/messages that I still haven't found sufficient words to explain.
I don't know exactly what this is. After Miranda first set it up for me, as a gift really, I thought it'd be good to document so many of the things I failed to over the years and, too, to unburden my Facebook friends from the many status updates. Although, editing down to 420 characters was good practice for me. I don't know; maybe, it's becoming the journey of a nearly 40 year old with children of all ages, bucking the system and the "bulge", finding God in places I've never seen before, and starting over in a 23 year relationship.......finding humor in all of it, hitting the high spots, gathering a small army of friends that I didn't know I was missing, and finding out that being me isn't too bad.
I started to write or post the other day about "honor". It's just so rare now. Knowing 5 daughters will likely want to be married, I try not to be negative. I've noticed that even "Christian" boys are often dismissive of their counterparts, a little arrogant in their quest to be men. McKala met a boy recently who fit the bill of a good guy, but when he thought that they wouldn't see each other much, he bailed. She had taken the role with consideration (as girls do, I know), but to him, she was another pretty face. I'd be lying not to say it was a "whew" moment for me at first because 14 is young. I ached for her though and thought what it'll be like out in the world, to find a man who would love her as Christ does the church. I've been caught saying that it can be so unrealistic to tell a girl to wait and wait to get married & still obey the call to purity. I've wondered if they might marry a little young for today's standards and I thought for a while that I'd be okay with it, if the guy is right. Insert problem - "right guy". Where are they and who of they aren't already caught up in porn, debt, and self service, even within the church community? What kind of men are we raising? Why aren't we on guard of their hearts and minds? "Boys will be boys" does have its limits. So many of us are caught up in our own issues and don't notice the stench creeping in. I know the evil one would love the same of me.
It's a known to our girls what God's order is and that I expect them to keep it. To put such a high calling on a young woman demands a young man of tremendous character. I've always asked the girls to consider being able to do whatever they're gifted at/trained for from home, especially once wee ones are present. What I'm trying to say is that I've envisioned a smooth transition, maybe too ideal in the way of being "taken care of " by somebody out there. I've found in my girls boldness, daring that I didn't possess at their ages. I now say - wait and be found in His work. I'm hoping that not knowing what they're missing intimately will just be one more thing that makes them pillars of strength. Lord, I hope I'm right. Besides, it's gonna take a man with some kind of confidence to spend his life with a woman who's been flying since she was 16, blonde, bodacious and works on cars for a living; or one who is almost 5'11, takes command of most animals and ..... heads in a room; or one whose smile, set off by her perfect brow and cheek bones, lights up a room but knows where she stands in her spiritual and physical strength, so you best not get in between her and the ones she protects; or one whose stomach is a tough as nails (nurse of the family) and can play by ear, as well as hysterically impersonate anybody, letting lose her charm with her perfect symmetry; or littlest but not least, one who is already well spoken, quick thinking, and possesses beauty that makes one want to sit and watch her mind work out what her next quandary will be.
Nope, we haven't raised passivists. It'll take some of this individuality to not only contribute to a relationship, but also to survive in this "new" world, whether it's close to the "end" or not. When they were collectively little, I didn't see this coming, but now I'm glad to know that I have God's "warrior princesses" in my ring. They have and will falter, but what makes them different is that facing a giant is just one more charm on their bracelets and .... will be jewels in their crowns.
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