Busted

     We just got home from Michael's team's first victory and Macklynn's first Ultimate (no tackle) Football.   Macklynn managed some bloodshed anyway ...figures.  In trying to check my messages on Facebook, I'm flashed with "not accessable right now" ...hmmm ....that figures too after "someone" sent my private messages from the weekend to my husband while he was in New England.  Since I know a lot of "smart" people, it could've been any number of engineering graduates, hackers, networkers, or maybe my dear old husband "keeping a clean house". 
     "What's to hide, Michelle?" you ask.  Well, I didn't think that much, but reading the sincere and heated debate with a hardcore Atheist in retrospect doesn't look so good.  I loosened up to appear more personable.  He hinted at something more than the issue at hand several times.  I ignored some of it or answered wisely that my husband works hard and has been quite the fighter lately.  My pitfall was a comment (to a brazen statement) made in sarcasm.  I really set myself up for it with my terminology, but my reply was "sex with an atheist ...wouldn't that be an ironic downfall".  I meant that he was working on entrapment to use against me and my arguments.  For all I know, he already has, since it's laid out nice and clear on my husband's computer.
     The real problem is that Mike, knowing all the time thatI had given to the conversation, asked that I let him read it.  I knew I hadn't stepped out of line but panicked when I realized I had "let" that guy talk to me in such a way.  I panicked and deleted all the overfriendly comments he made ...while Mike was watching them disappear ...not good.  I had been able to overlook the insinuations because, to be honest, most men when in conversation long enough, resort to some kind of flirting.  I felt like he was really trying to throw me off my points (which were coming fast and furious).   "Our" men can't possibly understand how hard it is for us women to have plutonic talk with other men.  Getting "hit on" during serious conversation is aggravating and ...distracting at the same time and ...they know it.  I suppose I've developed a kind of desensitization, or have I?
     The other problem is that sometime over the years of marital woes, I began to appreciate the attention of men.  (To be honest, I've been that way since I was old enough to understand the effect a woman can have on a man, so my unfortunate husband "inherited" this "me".)  I don't just mean the "get down on it" attention, but the conversation (not from married men, mind you) that recognized my intellect, humor, and opinions.  It's ever so easy to give yourself away a tidbit at a time.   So, was I falling into that pit again even though my original intentions were nothing but pure?  Satan knows me well and sends penetrating darts of his personalized poison for me when I sway from my own "policies".  I'd determined not to have any "private" messages with men.  I broke my own rule in the name of defending my Christian beliefs.  I could've gotten lost on the way (and obviously someone else thought so, too).  That's why the Bible talks about the narrow road ...which is getting more and more narrow as I get nearer to my own end.
     I've mentioned this before but I need to draw it back from the "library" and recite that the ideal defense from the act of "accepting" flirtations is to not desire the "approval" to start with.  To not "need" acceptance is to be walking in line with God's will day in and day out.  We are our most beautiful selves when He is shining from every aspect of our humanity.  The next defense is that of having a solid reassurance of love and respect from our own partners.
     The last sentence of my last blog was about trust.  It's profound that my own words have been leveled against me.   Mike should be strikken with doubt and is, but somehow is also enjoying the level playing field.  I said it this morning and will say it again: that perhaps I should thank my Atheist "ex-friend", who lasted all of 3 days, for contributing to the onset of the most excellent evening "experience" that Mike and I have had in a couple of years.  I guess we're more strange than I thought ...no, not in some twisted way but in our way of conquering the world.
     Point from all this is ...God's presence is all seeing but someone else's might be, too.   Keep it real, right, and ready to reveal ...because you might just be asked to ...and if you've failed to be loyal, your life could change overnight.  Mine is on the upswing, believe it or not, but is so busy with sports, season change, another rash of birthdays, and attention to mental astuteness (and boys to our girls) that I can't keep up the pace with my Facebook Friends, who truly, for the most part, are my real friends.  I love the ideal of balance but I have to own the ebb and flow that my life takes.  While I'm "busted", I might as well slink away for a while, but I plan on coming back bigger and better.