Miscalculations

     It's a good thing that these thoughts came quickly, as I was waiting for Michael to finish practice, because I have a project I want to finish tonight.  Just yesterday, my mind was "empty", causing me to wonder how much I'd be writing this year.  I don't want to write anything I can't back up with doing.  Over the last months, I've made my case against my weaknesses.  Even though we got off to a bad start, I firmly believe today was the beginning ...of the beginning. 
     Since I'm coming into the "happy" part of the month, it's easy to bring up a subject I'm searching full on.  I guess what I want to expose  is that when my appointed time of marital stability came, I wasn't "ready".  I was full of feeling "caged" (because I had truly "checked out") that I gave little regard to my physical condition and the fast displacement of muscle to fat.  No matter the condition of your relationships, your body is yours and you will deal with the consequences of neglecting it.  So what if you, like me, didn't care if you feel sexy, didn't want to be touched by someone whose heart you did't hold, (in your vulnerability) didn't want to draw attention from others, or held the ole ultraconservative stance of "not adorning"?
     The "not wanting to look worldly" ploy is a sticky place.  Most men work "in the world"; therefore, they are desentisized by the beauty trademarks of it's women.  I did the "natural, discreet look" and my husband was none too thrilled about it, so unless you can hold your own with no tricks up your sleeve, you'd better take another look.  It doesn't mean we have to put on the artificial facade of caked on, sprayed on beauty.  It means we cater to what our guys prefer.  You've likely got the parts that he fancies, so play them up.  If  he loves your long hair and you cut it off, you're a fool ...like I've been.  If he's an "upfront" kinda guy, wear a bra that compliments that.  It can be done tastefully without showing them to all the world.  If he's a "rear admiral", then keep it tone.  (And somehow, I don't think the Bible mentions anywhere that plucking and shaving aren't virtuous or that lipstick and mascara are evil, in and of themselves.)  I mean to take my own advice because I'm finally past the aforementioned barriers. 
     However, I'm not quite past the "like" barrier.  Mike was here for more than 2 weeks and between his bouts with negativity and mine with aloof"ativity", we were far less than blissfully related.  (It's a damper on incentive, but in actuality is just another stumbling block that has already been overcome by the One who knows a lot more than I do.)  "Working it at home" I was not.  I didn't feel good and I didn't look good.  I know for a fact now, because I finally heard a man say it not long ago, that it matters how we present ourselves when we're home and that men resent when we care more how we look for other people and events.
     I know, I know ..."when do we get to relax?"  I think, like any 2 things, there's a happy medium.  A little effort goes a long way.  Until I put if firmly in action, I'll not embark on the details.  My problem is that being fat is the "elephant in the room".  It's hard for me to "doll up" when it seems like an ill fated disguise.  Guess what?  It's not always about me ...or you.  It's about doing something today ...for him ...that shows that his desires matter.  Man, all this is so easy for me to say, now that I know he's on his way to Oregon!  But what we do, what we think in our "down time" is what changes us ...like the places I passed tonight and made mental notes on that I think he'll enjoy going to, as a surprise when he returns ...places that will be thrifty and new, at the same time.  It's like him having my coffee ready this morning, ready for me hours after he left, like he left a piece of himself here ...even though I'd been hardly affectionate for days. 
     I'm ready to reclaim what was stolen from me.  I'm sorry to say most of it was voluntary.  I'm ready to find the innocence and fun God preordained for 2 people who've sacredly vowed themselves to each other.  "Where are you?" I murmured outloud in the car and I meant it.  I closed off in self preservation to him at different stages and that is my undoing.  I've also closely equated, from early ingrained conditioning, looks with sexuality.  What is your undoing?  Have you confessed your sexual sin?  I understand, you're saved ...but have you confessed your sin, all of it?  Have you been convinced that porn or anal sex will spice up things and is harmless if viewed or done as a couple?  Whoever told you that is an idiot and entirely Biblically illiterate.  You WILL regret the day that you caved to it because once you've objectified other people and misplaced affections your conscience is damaged.  Too, it didn't dawn on me until I read that some of us aren't finding purity and freedom in our marriage beds because we haven't repented of our premarital activities, including premarital SEX WITH our spouses and premarital COHABITATION WITH our spouses.  Do we really believe that a legal piece of paper fixes all that?  I did.  Although, we didn't "live" together, we most definitely engaged in sensual pleasures.  I thought we'd have our little house with pretty things, performing warm and fuzzy traditions, living to comfortable ripe old ages.  As a young newlywed, I had those unrealistic visions and strived to make them happen, but hit rock bottom before I found out my visions were not God's.
     As people who know the whole extent, our move almost 15 years ago was less than favorable, but God worked through it by insulating me in the natural wonder of His heights and forests ...so that I would not conform because He knew I WAS conformist.  I liked making other people happy and being the center of attention, at most any expense.   I am not content with who I was.   "Just quietly remaining above the fray is an indictment against one's self." ~ Michael Pearl.   My proliferation has offended some, I think even a cousin in the ministy I can't get to converse with me.  Another is the only person I know of who's deleted me.   She's a fellow homeschool Mom whom I don't know particularly well but must've put off with some of my speculations.  It's well worth it if I can help a young woman to forego the pain of reliving the same mistakes and misinterpretations I've made. 
     I want to "be there" as Titus compels us older women to be.  I also know the importance of comforting myself with friends who relate to the issues of children's rebellion and parents' frailties.  I love that I have a spance of friends who wouldn't necessarily enjoy a "GNO" together.  93, 54, 30, and in between ...I love them all.   A few minutes ago I scolded Macklynn by saying, "Life isn't all about playing games!"  Madalynn looked up and said, "It's all about God."  Wow, need I say more?  My friends get me, that I agree with Madalynn, no matter how badly I screw it up sometimes.  God's yoke is light and I make it heavy.  "God, don't stop rebuilding me ...and the mind that moves me"