Today started with distress and although my arguing points were valid, I love how God gets me alone (and I was alone, since the big kids were eating lunch with a gracious family and the little ones were riding with Mike to pick up a load) and He causes me to introspect. Being out in the warm sun with a breeze always makes it easier. I've become hypersensitive to Mike's remarks, so he finally expressed to me that I'm not perfect either. What it insinuated to me was that I think I am. On the contrary, I'm always looking for "me" and what's the next right thing to do. I tend to always foul that up one way or another. I want his approval more than anything, but when I don't approve of myself, I'll never find it from anyone else. I wondered why I was experiencing all this today and suddenly it drew itself forward, presenting verbally. By the water, I spoke it: that "I" do it to the kids, especially when I'm feeling desperately behind. They finish one thing and instead of showing my pleasure, my mind often strays to the next task. I don't give them the one thing I, myself, crave the most: approval. I think we "slavedrivers" are worried others will become complacent/content. Problem is we make people hopeless - that they'll never, ever be good enough. A person left in that state can't find peace.
Oddly, the first note I jotted down today was about overindulging in public ..........I had to step out just now to view the rain with the sun shining through it and the thunder rolling loudly nearby, the best of both worlds, confusing the eye a little with the vivid colors. Okay, back to public display, partying. We've dabbled in some the last year. It's good to know we can "hang" in there with the best of them. What's that really mean the next morning? - nothing at all. If anyone has to have the anonymity of a crowd to get away with doing things we wouldn't otherwise AND if we do unmentionable things in public to draw attention to ourselves, then we've strayed somewhere.
I had bought instructional DVD's for chair dancing last year because I understood the importance of "taking care of things at home". I threw them away and anything to do with it in a rant of agony last spring. I want to "want" to be pleasing again. I've struggled my whole married life to separate sex from shame. Shame happens when we injure our conscience by fornicating before we're married. Too ...playfulness is lost when we wear a veil of shame. Who says sex has a sultry mask? Pure unadulterated fun is what it's meant to be; I'm just sure of that. Now, the problem for us is that although our hearts are falling into place, our bodies (and mouths sometimes) are dividing us. Mike is in torment from one illness or another all the time. I am not in obedience in restoring myself to health. When he's hurting, he's grumpy. When I lack confidence, I'm grumpy. We reopen old wounds. These are obviously not the ingredients for passion.
Back to "public display" for a moment - another very legitimate reason for ideal weight is that it cements my case for modest behaviour instead of making me appear like a jealous woman who is incapable of performing the same entertainment. Simply put, most of us refuse. If we see it as repulsive, then we've just fallen for Satan's lie ...or we've been injured by the disregard of our mate. "It"/the dance/the eroticism is perfection 'til we involve thoughts of someone other than our parter in marriage. Someone from our past, from our fantasies, from the movies, from the clubs, from anywhere but right here & right now distort the beauty and purity of the act.
Back to home for a minute - by the way, I'll tell "the trim crowd" that reading on is much a replay from some of my writing in February, but we all have things that hinder us: pride, fear, smoking, lust, laziness, doubt, unforgiveness ... I do think fit people deserve accolades for their discipline ...without being googled by perverts. Soooo, my thoughts on home ...when we get home, it seems reasonable to "let it all hang out"/throw on the sweats and put the ponytail up. I think most of us are just exhausted and too busy to care until we see our husband's attention to another. I'm afraid I'm guilty, not so much of not caring, but of not doing enough to make null my excuses of being in between sizes, short on money, out of time to dress "cuter" at home. Then there's the (call it what you will because I know it's a copout ...but I know my faults), "it's easier to stay fat" since Mike and I haven't rebonded because I know what I'm like when my "sexyometer" is revving up. I'm admitting it's some kind of pride sin, but it's all good when Mike and I are on the same page, and all bad when I'm disoriented and secretly tempted to appreciate other attentions I might get. My second copout is that I know with no reservation that I won't regain the feminine near-perfection of a youthful pre-childbirth body. The adversary reminds me of this continually and weakens my resolve to make necessary changes today instead of tomorrow. I need disconnections in my mind and simply strive for healthiness for the confidence of living in obedience, much less - for the example.
What man wouldn't want to have a gentle smile and delicious aromas meet him at the door as it opens to a tidy house and thankful children? I stay home and am still not pulling it off. His irregular schedule with trucking and the ever changing activities of the children keep me off kilter. I'm usually not one to pray too specifically but I'm requesting God's allowance for Mike a way out of that truck. He's unwell. Full healing needs uninterrupted sleep, homecooked meals, outdoor work in the fresh air, recovery of our marriage bed, and time with the children before they're all grown.
The thing about "staying home" these days is that it's really hard to find someone to submit your future to who isn't a pervert or a sluggard, whether a churchgoer or not. Not having a career to default to is a scary idea, I know. The Bible says that in the last days women and children will rule. I always thought that seemed so out of place, but there is hardly a man raised up these days whom is worthy to follow. Actually, this last statement brings it full circle. Parents aren't interested in homelife enough to focus on anything much but a child's financial future. We as a society are failing miserably. We overlook our young ones' work ethic, moral fortitude, basic cleanliness, practical skills ...sometimes never even considering what kind of spouse or parent we're creating in our children, much less what kind of citizen. Please, don't think the school or church is doing it for you.
In this economy, the obvious draw from homelife is that even if a parent wants to put more time toward it, the debt and inability to sell an unneccesarily large home form a trap. The question we have to ask ourselves is: "Is starting over to save the character of our children (and our marriages) worth the loss of the kind of frills we're accustomed to and/or overcoming the fear of the unseen future? "Depending" on someone can lead to demise, BUT the beautiful thing is that it sews a stronger cord into love. The need for and the gratefulness for care/financial support are irreplaceable together.
I'll be "home" this week, but not really. Every night will involve football, which I love but necessitates an hour's drive. I hope to enlist Miranda's help, so I can get in at least one "walk and talk" session with Christy. (I'm glad to share her with Miranda who walks with her on Tuesdays and Thursdays to get back into shape, while volleyball practice goes on.) Monday will be a list/call/clean day. Tuesday will be Mary-Hope's mother's funeral, preceded by some grocery and birthday shopping for Melody. Wednesday is Melody's birthday and party. Thursday will involve paying bills and getting Mike home from his trip up north and to the dentist for what is a terribly painful, most likely abscessed tooth. I know, hard to believe, another ailment for Mike. Friday, Miranda and Melody will leave for a festival in Gettysburg with the Reids ...so nice of them. Thankfully, Saturday holds a get together at Jami and Shawn's house. In the middle of all this, we'll make time to find calves for Michael and McKala and, I surely hope, some playing and praying together.
"Why in the world tell you my schedule? We all have one." (We also all have to be careful not to let the hecticness of life suck out the sweetness of it.) By all accounts, this is one of those weeks when I could just procrastinate away exercise and eating well. Next week will probably set the same stage; then I'll find myself next February weighing and feeling the same. So, pray for me that I don't settle for less than my best. How hard can this be? - eat less, move more ...period. Old habits die hard though and I'm tempted most to eat when I'm losing energy late in the afternoon, usually tired from missing sleep. Caffeine isn't an option because it causes me restless sleep. I need to overcome this for all the reasons I've detailed. I even want Michael, Jr. to see me as my "attractive me" so that everything I say to him about girls is soaked in and not blown off as words of a chunky, sullen female basher. I hate to be legalistic about food or anything for that matter, but without law, there would be no order in the universe. I'm feeling pretty lame right now, but I'll be waiting for your prayers to spawn some inspiration in me come morning ...thanks in advance.
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