I just came in from outside and was thinking how good it is to be surrounded by animals, flowers, and children. These things might not seem necessary until we find ourselves in a funk and can't see God in the world because of all the adults who get in the way of the view. This little statement does have relevance to my turning 40, but I'll move on to the "event" of turning over these 4 decades.
I'm having a hard time concentrating on details with the "symphony of unfortunate sounds" that's happening in the living room. (Actually, I'm in awe of some of things they've accomplished with the instruments today.) We have to leave for bible school in a few minutes anyway and I've had these PJs on since yesterday, so it's gonna take a few minutes for me to convince myself to change into something uncomfortable. The "big" kids have been on so many trips this summer that the little ones deserve full attention for this week of fun. I hope we can keep the Chinese-made nonessential prizes to a minimum, though; we just got the house in reasonable order before my party ...I'll be back to you tonight.
I've returned thankfully with only visors and am ready to recall the unraveling, if you're pessimistic, or the revealing, if you're optimistic of my "surprise party". Much of it began last weekend when Mike and I had an all out screaming match over a door I slammed. (I should know now by experience how much men hate that.) I've felt for some time that he's been short with me and in my deepest of deep thoughts have entertained the fear of his alter ego's return. He sees me as nit picker, I'm sure, even though I've developed enough self control to go silent when the heat kicks up. Regardless, I took off like a bat out of Hades, if that's possible in a minivan. I drove up Brushy Mountain Road to the orchards listening to some powerful Christian songs. A sermon came on and I reached to turn it more than once, but held off long enough to hear that it was about believing and hoping the best of one's partner until proven otherwise. I parked the car and watched the sun set. I was calmed and saw my error, hormonal week or not. I drove in our drive but wasn't ready to face the "crowd", so I walked off into the volleyball court to pull weeds. Those of you who have seen it lately know it was a losing battle.
Before long, I saw Mike coming ...and fast. He hadn't seen me. He threw it in park, cars nose to nose. He surprised me with his furiousity. Pouting I had mentioned before, in reference to the whole family's reluctance for teamwork, getting a hotel room and staying a while. I had left with no shoes and no such intentions, but he didn't know that since I had also thrown my phone out the window. Across the field, he proceeded to yell out all his frustrations and by doing so, made it clear how much I had hurt him by my earlier provoked, snide remark about our sex life. In hindside, the very thing I criticized I am equally guilty of creating.
I had no rage left for him. It had subsided and it was right for me to stand there and take it, although I got riled up enough to defend against some accusations. Regardless, he let it fly that he that very day had shopped, spending hundreds of dollars, on a party for me. I didn't have the nerve to tell him I'd known for weeks. As Michael, Jr. said, I wouldn't have been privy had I trusted him and not peeked over his shoulder as he gave his back to me checking messages. I will defend only the part that I still hold firm to and it applies to each and every one of us. Married people have no business whatsoever sending private messages (unless there's a surprise brewing) to anyone who is even close to a candidate for emotional or physical release. If you don't believe me, check back a few blogs.
So, we apologized and he went back to the house and I laid down in the cool, wet sand like some big sissy. It did feel good, though. I'm telling you there is something about the elements that bring God closer to me. It was dark and the fog was moving in. The cicadas were singing. That Beagle we'd had only a matter of 3 weeks came all the way down there and dug himself a hole right up next me. All seemed right with the world ...except the chasm that I just helped deepen ...and then, the dog started growling at something and being in the house seemed a really reasonable idea. We had another round while I was in the shower getting all that sand off, so I stayed there like a fool with the cold water running over me and gave a slight thought to how he might feel to come find me with purple lips, but that movie drama crap is not for me. It was COLD and I got out, wrapped in a blanket, and sat on the porch swing. Christy called to check on me and gave me sound advice. I felt pretty stupid after I laid out the premise of it all, but as she says, "What are friends for?"
The week was to me an unveiling, like finding a treasure - getting little details about my birthday every few hours. It was enticing and drew me back to my husband, his forethought for me even while working and battling the turmoil in his body. The day of the party, I woke with my monthly friend and an almost debilitating backache - fitting for someone who would not leave well enough alone. I was determined to start this year off by keeping my commitment to walk with Christy and to keep concentration on restoring myself to good health. When we started up that first hill, I understood what I was in for. I felt like poor old Smokey walking behind us, vigilantly guarding although his leg gives way ever so often. Those of you who have read deep into my writings are clued into what condition causes my episodes of aches and lethargy. I could be a posterchild for premarital warnings, but that's a story for another day.
After I showered and polished up, I was to ride with Christy to get her girls. She knew I was in serious discomfort so she came walking to the car with a concoction that saved the day. Now, "shine" is exactly the kind of thing a lady normally recoils to BUT this was "Apple Pie Shine", cinnamon floating, and I declare within a few minutes, I was so warm and cozy it could've been Christmas. All was right with the world again. I was just plain happy, not drunk ...happy. You did all wish me a "happy" birthday, right? It was an hour before we drove back to our house, so there is a small chance that I drank just a little much. I was most concerned about the breath I must've had because there was no hiding it....but ...I think all present will agree that I was "happy".
Walking through the door, I saw the faces that mean to most to me. I've tweaked my list of friends, so it's kinda small but it's jampacked with loyalty and goodness. I turned to the right to see a smile I haven't seen in person in 28 years, a childhood friend's. Words don't do justice to feelings drawn up out of the fabric of one's past. Most of the others were people who have welcomed me and mine into this county we've only been in 3 years. I've never had a period in my life with so many people I trust and care about and really enjoy. Mike and the kids had their smiles on, but I know they were exhausted from days of preparation. I hoped they would breathe it all in the way I was ...and I think they did, mostly because my friends are also the kind of people who are friends to our children.
The decorations in black and pink were "over the top" - streamers covering the ceiling and balloons floating everywhere. It was all just right. Jami and Shawn, Kristin and Jasmyn came to assist them in the finishing touches. He, Mike, in his pink shirt, looked relieved - that it was finally happening. He's done everything he knows to in the last year to prove his new found direction. I should walk more closely with him while he's doing so.
I don't know that I have any particular talent of "working a room". (I don't even remember the last birthday party I've had with friends gathered ...several baby showers, though!) Nonetheless, I floated around the room in something that seemed like a dance. It may or may not have had a relation to the aforementioned warm feeling. My living room was speckled with pretty tables and people I could give a part of my heart to and trust they wouldn't toss it around. I did miss Mary-Hope but quickly found out she had made an appearance but had darted out to do the work that most of us could never handle. I know there are a couple who had prior engagements and others who had legitimate things come up. I was "happy" with the group I was presented with and won't soon forget who showed me their faithfulness regardless of how busy their day was. Then, my Megan rolled in all the way from Georgia having worked that morning. That made the package complete - all my babies together ...and for me.
I talked and laughed so much that I never even blew out candles or tasted my gorgeous cake, but I was finally rounded up to open gifts. It's been 10 years since I sat with such an audience to receive presents, so I hadn't given it much thought. However, Christy had already given me her idea of what I needed. She was right on "target" (get it, Christy?). I love that Lou tried on handbags with her 'til she decided on something for me. She had listened and remembered that I had pointed out mine was worn out. That means a lot to me. Kristin had also listened to me. A few weeks prior, I'd mentioned that I was down to my last pair of Levi's and refused to buy until I was into a smaller pair, much less a bigger pair! She'd been shopping for me at Tractor Supply Co. - 'nuf said.
Mary-Hope had left a bottle of wine (which I'm sipping on right now) and one of perfume. Miranda had given a wine glass, but replaced it tonight with this one covered in "bling" and color. She had also taken the little ones shopping and got me a BAMA colored coffee cup filled with my favorites, Milky Ways, and a "cherry blossom" scented candle that Madalynn decided on after apparently "smelling them all". Megan brought me a GPS in hopes that I wouldn't end up in Tennessee next time I leave Georgia on a route I've been on dozens of times. Risa made a grand late entrance and brought me a gift of Key Lime treats that was just as personal as the other gifts. Loreilie made a big red memory album that sported a sparkly "m" on the cover. She had pulled pictures off Facebook and put them on the pages inside. It was definitely a tear jerking moment for me that she took the time away from her busy life to create it. Cindy gave me a Barnes and Noble giftcard, which makes me look forward to meandering around a bookstore very soon. More importantly, she gave me a card that said people like me are God's way of smiling at her. Even more importantly, she and most everyone else wrote personal messages in them, except Kristin BUT hers sang to me about how I shine and not ever changing that. (And her daughter, Jasmyn's, was just as kind.) Cousin Kimberly mailed a pretty one that trumped the impact of my legacy. Mary-Hope said that our friendship is a treasure that is hard to find. Christy's said that God put us together for a reason ...she's right.
Is it proper for me to divulge their innermost thoughts? I'm just sharing what being loved feels like. I don't deserve it, but I'm gonna wrap myself up in it and know that harldy anything else matters. There were other thoughtful cards and funny ones about my old age. (Virginia and Jami, you 30 yo youngsters are in for it; maybe I won't forget it in another 10 years!) Mike and the kids' said, "Look on the bright side ...you're as happy as ever and have so much to be thankful for ...(open card) Besides, it could be worse. You could be pregnant!" ANYONE who knows me well finds the humor in this! Then there was the card I got a day late, my Dad's. He never picks out a seperate one from my mother, but he did this time. It went on about the things you don't realize 'til your daughter's grown. I could want to strangle that man and he can bring me to pitiful tears when he does these things. (The check inside was just a bonus.)
So, this long story boils down to the fact that I couldn't have gone out shopping for myself and found things that would've suited me better - my friends hear me. God help 'em; it's hard not to. My husband gave me a day that encouraged me beyond any measure. He has on order something I've always wanted but would never dare purchase. My children honored me and celebrated our family. 40, so far, is most excellent.
I've been "saying" I'm almost 40 for over half a year, so "being" 40 now is no biggy. However, I do have to face the reality that I am likely halfway through my life. I see that as a good sign. I see that I have no time left for excuses, bitterness, apathy, bickering, or fear for anything less than my Creator. There's also no more time for puttin' up and shuttin' up. I have no intention of the next 10 years being "about" me. I just know now that I can't dole out myself at the expense of my physical and spiritual stability. You've seen people go "slam off"? Well, watch it being done ...with grace I hope. I've got to get moving. You know, at 40, we can't blame our parents, our friends, our spouses, our kids, our society, our jobs for our sorryness, our messes, our disingenuous purposes, our shallowness, our slow progress. In the same breath, I have to stress that we must never sacrifice anyone, especially our family, to play catch up. It's all out there now and everyone is watching us to see what real grown ups act like. Will we shun them, bore them to tears, laugh or drink them off? I'm looking for something I've never known or been, not to disconnect FROM people in my life but to be more FOR them. Shouldn't we all be, all the time?
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