I just took Michael a pancake, here at 6:10 pm, because I blew up on him when he was making them after church. I was in my own little world searing a roast, thinking about Megan just leaving for Georgia, and that I needed an apron on, and that I thawed out too much meat, and that I was hungry. I could just barely hear him ask where the whisk was. He asked again. I said I didn't know. He kept on ...and I snapped. He muttered something and I lost it. I think he thought I was ignoring him. What I tried to explain to them on the ride home today is just how many balls I have to juggle right not. The problem with prodding people is that we don't know how much pressure they're already under and how explosive the reaction can be ...nevermind PMS.
God has brought us through the heat and now we just have an awful lot of decisions to make. The thing that is still terrific about being an American is that we have choices. The thing about following Jesus is not just making good choices but the best choices. Right now we still need to downsize. For the most part, we've cycled out of help from "the system". As I just told a "soul sister", every aspect of our lives has something up in the air. Should we live close to Mike's work and our new church? Should we have available space there for our daughters in Georgia? Should we start a full fledged garden not knowing and if we don't, will we be able to afford not having one? Should we even consider moving away from access to a football team, Michael's passion, and if so, should we permit his attendance at boarding school to replace it? Isn't 15 too young, especially when we finally found a solidly Biblical church that is burdened to disciple young adults? Should we let him buy the only possession he desires, a powerful dirt bike? Should McKala try to work near her Daddy since they need to share the car? Should we sell the animals? Should we buy one more car since only 5 fit in the one we have? Should we this? Should we that? Should we?
You say, "The Lord knows what is best." Of course, He does. Adhering to that path is a little easier said than done. We have so, so many variables. Virtually every area of our lives is still in limbo. What I do know is limbo is where God needs us so that he can restructure us for His purposes. The other thing I know is that I have all my children, my husband, my parents, and my health; so I have NOTHING to truly complain about.
That's why I do what I do. I'm thankful. I don't deserve a thing that I have. I'm not a soft spoken wife. I'm not a bold enough Christian. I'm not even a particularly good mother; I don't like crafts and games. I proved today I hold no special patience. I'm often too strict or not strict enough. I have almost no common sense. Sometimes I wander aimlessly from task to task. I'm not much of a "natural" anything that I want to be. When my eyes aren't fixed on Christ, I'm vain. I like attention, just like the teenage girl I used to be. I like some good southern rock. I like a good drink. I'm a happy tipsy. In and of themselves those things don't seem harmful, maybe not even bad. But right now, God is asking for my best. Good choices can be good and still not be God. My "good" plans limit what God has in store far and above them.
You know how I know there is a God and that He knows what is best? Because I've never been so close to Him. My soul stirs at the thought of Him, not what He can do for me, but what He has done for me already. As the stationery that my sweet friend made for me says, "All I have seen teaches me to trust for all I have not seen ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson."
Where are you in life? What doesn't make sense? Where are you struggling? Who in your family is suffering? You don't think God is available? Or do you just take Him for granted? You're not a "natural" at Godly things? You're distracted and need a break to focus - I always thought that was the problem. "God, I need a smooth run here, at least for a while, to get my bearings straight." I guess God knew I'd turn back to things that were good in my own eyes, as fine as they may've been, so in the last 5 years: Mike had a procedure that caused aortic dissections when our 7th baby was only 5 weeks old. When all was said and done, life as we knew it was over but my husband lived. I had a son become a quadriplegic but he walked out of the hospital under his own power 9 days later. Our kitchen caught fire in the house we rent and my hand was burned badly but with no permanent damage. I had an almost unbearable temptation, but my husband came to the Lord in the midst of it. I had a time of emotional numbness, but now I cry every time I think of the sacrifice of my Saviour. I had 2 homeless little boys here for 2 months and even though their mother "ripped" them away creating shock and great sadness, my children learned what is to take care of the needy. I had a friendship blossom and whither away all in the same season, but I still pray for her and will always care about her. I had a daughter have to make choices that leave her "friendless" right now. I had a husband who lost control of his truck, ran into the median, went airborn over a culvert, crossed two more lanes of traffic, went up an embankment, rolled over ...and walked away, but his tractor trailer was a total loss, the beginning of the end of his self employment. I had a daughter who became a prodigal but I went to her in her hour (and stayed for a week) of need and now she is fully restored. I had children who invested in calves, babied and bottle fed them and watched helplessly as they tried everything to stop the death that struck half of them. I had a daughter who was overcome with fear and doubt and through much turmoil and counsel is renewed and cheerful in her faith. I had yet another daughter, healthiest one of the bunch, come down with asthma so badly that she was basically on bedrest for 4 months, yet her spirit has grown as she puts God before herself. At the same time, I had a husband whose business spiraled into bankrupty, but by God opening doors, he is working full time in ministry now. But then he broke his leg 2 weeks into the job, but there was Workman's Comp. Just as I was settling into the new year, we had a septic backup into the house all the way into the ceiling and had to live in the Holiday Inn for 3 weeks when they made a crucial discovery, mold, ...which was making our daughter sick.
This is not all. It doesn't include daily disasters. You might be thinking, "Man, you people must be doing something wrong to deserve all that." In part, that's true. But I think it proves there is never an excuse, never, ever, ever to say, "I can't." If WE can, if this marriage can, if these kids can through all the upheaval; then you can. If anything is getting between you and the Lord, if anything is preventing your children from knowing Him, if anything comes before Him, LOSE IT. Moms, if your husband and your kids need you, don't let your circumstances, your finances, your fear, or yourself hinder it. Don't plan on society, even church, getting your kids where they need to be. It falls on you and you can do it. Get out of the box, out of your plans, out of your good ideas, out of the norm, and into the realm of God. And if you weren't "born" with what you think you need to do it, our Lord is faithful to supply it.
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