Discernment

     "Do all things without murmurings and disputings:  That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, IN THE MIDST OF A CROOKED AND PERVERSE NATION, among whom ye shine as lights in the world,"  Philippians 2: 14-15.  No one sent me this.  I know very well where it is in my Bible.  I've kept so much bottled up for so long, that I have to muddle my way through what is the right way to approach things.  Confrontation is both good and bad and all a matter of context, whether there is name calling, cursing, or threatening.  A person can be completely right on any given topic but cause dissension when love isn't the catalyst.
     Maybe it was the full moon setting up or PMS (which Christian women aren't allowed to have) was setting in, but I had something to say yesterday and I said it.  In my mind, I revisited a scenario almost identical to one 2 years ago.  Some people know how to control their maliciousness enough to stay under the radar of superiors and when I've gotten that smirk as an answer to my findings, my blood boils, so much so that I don't remember my posture or surroundings.  There's this problem.  It stinks that I know people who can be so nice during persecution as to blindside everyone when the issue is revealed to have been going on for months.  That's what a lot of Christians endure and I do believe we are wrong to not address it for their sakes.
    How we address it ...well, therein lies my quandary.  There is righteous indignation.  There is unnessary divisiveness.  The only litmus for what is virtuous is whether is was left in love.  This morning as I sat in what is trying to be crisp weather and as I watched deer jump over into the pasture, I cried for the person who was waking to the realization that the one they had given life isn't at all what they thought.  "Mercy" ...I have to get mercy right and it has to go hand in hand with discernment.  Yes, wrong has be recognized and confronted, but the love of Christ doesn't exude venom.  I'm afraid a couple of my favorite authors are of the Jewish faith and although I firmly agree with their exacting stances, I know that their tones lack the tenderness that only Jesus can incorporate.
     As I drifted to sleep, I had a sensation of having great big feet and stomping one of them, almost like a Transformer, sending the dust billowing and saying, "I'm here, and I'm not going away"  Does anyone want to join me?  Christians need not be scared of, docile toward, or palatable to the world.  The important thing is that we not leave the lost individual feeling worthless, with no solutions and with no one to turn to. 
     I should've told the moms, and one specifically, who jump for joy after the fleeting days of summer are gone, the good things about her, the reasons I think her son would glow in her presence, what she has to offer, and to build her up against what the world expects her to prove.  And as an Irish preacher said, "androgyny" isn't what God wants for us.  He made us distinctly male and female and we aren't all of who we were created to be without fully embracing and having confidence that feminity and dependence are not villainous.  I fussed about meanness a couple of paragraphs up, yet I delved there just hours before.  It came to me in the wee hours that I don't love a child enough if I don't love his mother.
     Love is not an easy word for me to utter.  I don't take it lightly.  I don't cast out "love ya"s.  I became unawarely cold to the sheerly emotional part of it altogether.  We all know ultimately that love is what we do, not what we say.  Yet, words can murder a weak heart.  I've got to work through this and I'd like people to understand the process I'm being taken through.
     It's easy and sometimes even fun to get all worked up over politics, cultures, personal protection, and sports.  Truth is I just checked out "Football for Idiots" at the library; my husband directs me to political information and debate; I know how to shoot only 2 guns well; and I think people of all kinds and thought are really interesting.  I'm a nobody when it comes to a good many things.  I don't want to be that when it comes to the Bible.  If 'you' haven't figured it out yet, I have a particular distain for people who claim the blood of Christ and turn out to be pharisees.  'I'
 haven't figured out how to love them yet,  because I see all the harm they do to people who want to believe but don't know what direction to go.  I feel that way myself sometimes, as if tripping over things in the dark; so I can't imagine how difficult life must be to the ones who don't know Grace and from where it comes or what discernment means.
     Speaking of pharisees, I'll answer critical statements that I'm not looking hard enough for a church.  First off, I "will" make a blanket statement and say that it's a pretty sad day when a family has to lower their standards to participate in church.  Such is the case with many modern ones.  I am pretty disgusted, no, REALLY disgusted at the overused "there's no perfect church".  I am competent enough to know that.  I'm just looking for a place where the leadership is held to exceptional accountability.  So far, we had to leave one church because we were told by the pastor himself that he believed salvation could be reversed.  We left another church because the preacher intimidated one of our daughters with his inappropriate long stares, to the point that she refused to go back.  We left the next church when a youth director took care of a bullying situation with a "she's always been like that; we're all used to it".  The next one is in the middle of an uproar that the founding preacher's family has left because of something deceitful the current pastor is alledgely involved in against them.  It goes on and on.  My inlaws found out, via the police, that their pastor was soliciting oral sex from other men at a Home Depot.  Apparently, pastoring is little more than a paycheck to a lot of the 21st century.  Listen, I know the higher a position is, the more it'll be tried and tempted.  SOMEBODY has got to overcome though!  Yes, there are some "somebodies" overcoming ...but I know a good many other "somebodies", who are, as you put it, ready to start their own churches for want of a true place of God, which leads me to the negative comment that my kids must be "world changers".
     As a matter of fact, they're on their ways.  And not because I'm "up with the chickens" planning.  I happen not to even like chickens, especially when I'm considerate enough to let them roam freely but they come in the carport to gleen dogfood, whether there is any or not, while they poop all over the place.  I don't mess with the bulls much either since I was accidentally gored and have been chased around like a play toy.  No, I'm "up" walking with and doing algebra with one of our daughters before she leaves for work.  Our oldest graduated above the "fellas" at a private technical school, after she decided (and after making easy A's) state run college wasn't for her because of time wasted on agenda and busywork.  She's a certified technician, yes, "mechanic", for Ford; supports herself at 21 years old better than a lot of people 10 years her seniors; and flies planes in her leisure time, all while keeping her girlishness intact and flashing an angelic smile.  I'm not sure where all that is headed in terms of "changing the world" but what we instilled in her is that she knows when the time comes, she CAN do it.  And when she's at home with babies one day, she'll not be there because she "couldn't" do anything else.
     She is proven, made some rookie mistakes, but proven.  Her sisters and brothers are following right along.  The next one is insightful, nurturing with young animals and plants, yet intrigued with history, politics, and current events.  She's beautiful enough to model and if she pursues it, the cameras will be rejoice.  The next, a vision of loveliness and discretion, has a sharp sense of morality and spent all summer volunteering at a conference center, oddly enough touted as "World Changers for Christ", and as bad as her asthma became, was praised for her work ethic and asked to return to help run programs.  The next is our first son, who himself is easy on the eyes and, as his Daddy has been gone trying to make ends meet, has stepped up to fill the shoes of leadership, work, and protection.  It's not something to mention repeatedly, but stands as evidence of his character, that his football coach presented him with what everyone thought would be the MVP Award, yet it was the "Christian Character Award" from a large Christian school he doesn't even attend.   Then there's the first of what I still call "our young ones".   She, morphing into a pretty young woman with a tremendous amount of style, has an uncanny ability with music, a dry sense of humor that I'm always trying to rein in, and a confidence that would do well to be injectable into everyone else.  Plus, she said her first 3 word sentence when she was 12 months old and learned at 4 to read without anyone "teaching" her.  Our second son is an avid angler and has a confounding sense of mathematical perception.  He's survived 2 very serious health risks, crushing the odds which makes me believe he has something to change the world with.  Our littlest ...always dreaming up something to configure and sell, fluttering about without a worry, until she found out about "coyotes".  As the youngest of a big group always is, she's verbal beyond her years.  What I enjoy the most is her incessant, "I love you, Mama"s.
     So, no I don't have low self esteem.  I have much to be esteemed about and if it's my candor about how I've neglected the vessel I live in, then I'm sorry you see it that way.  As our oldest said, "You could say, 'I know I look pretty good', and 'I think I'm pretty smart too', and then everyone would accuse you of pride."  A real and present accusation is that I'm an "instigator".  I don't think I'll deny that; I want people to think long and hard before there is no time left to think long and hard.  Oh, and I don't want to leave out a concept I'm getting firm on:  a mother who has served and completed her position well would be an asset to most any job and with her discipline should be able to accelerate through the field of her choice, just as long as she's wise enough to not leave her husband in the dust as she searches for self worth.
     It was also told hatefully that I should "write a book" if I know so much.  Funny, that would be mentioned because I have a list of more than 40 friends and family who have told me just that.  I'm not sure where it would end and begin but I have at least a dozen topics, perspectives, and angles to draw from.
     I'm still weirded out at strangers reading my blog, but my goodness, if you're going to comment or "judge" - that pushbutton word of the day, don't base them solely on a couple of recent ones from a passing season in my life.   You see, I'm learning, and growing, and becoming.  "Yea, doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I  may win Christ.  And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:  That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death."  Phil 3: 8-10.  That I am able to cry at what has been done for me, a hot-headed, long-winded train wreck, is hope.