I'd Wonder

     Mike has a large swelling of his supraclavicular lymph node on the right side, not good, and now the skin is red, really not good.  I'd be lying if I didn't admit there were times when I wondered what it'd be like if he were gone, "gone" gone.  The Holy Spirit would grab me instantly and remind me that he might not be saved.   I, then, would fear for my own life.  In the last couple of years, I've also wondered what it would be like if I were gone, "gone" gone.  He'd almost have to be the leader, the disciplinarian, the "source".  I've written before that if I could just make it until Madalynn is an adult, I would have had enough time on this earth.  Now, I've asked God if "that" is even the best?  What if I were "gone"?  Couldn't that be a good thing?
     Last night, I lay in bed while he was in the bathroom wondering what it be like if Mike were really "gone".  I looked to my right where the large framed print hangs of the snowy picture he took off the ferry that he and McKala and his truck were taking.  I looked in front of me, the Virginia Creeper coming head on.  He loved going to get the next print, loved palling around with the artist. 
     I remembered the other night: when he came in for church and the smell of grease drew me to him and the kids were embarrassed that I said it.  However, the smell of his Zest soap and Right Guard Sport aerosol deodorant are like repellant to me, but would that matter if he were "gone"? 
     The old timey radio with the turntable he bought sits on the kitchen counter.  For a "country boy", he has a taste for nicer things and is so diversified in them.  His purchase timing has always stunk and until now, we've always owed more than he made.  It's been enough to drive me insane.  But would it matter if he were "gone"?  Those nights after he's left for a trip and I have some "freedom" from the intensity of his personality seem so liberating, but what if he never came back?  Truth is no one can replace Mike. 
     He's random and spontaneous and brave and genius and brutally honest.  Would losing him, even with the fascination of himself that remains, be worth it?  He may drive me and the children crazy with his neverending study of himself, but truth is we never feel more safe than when we're with him ...unless he's driving the car, that is.  I have to consider that for the most part of his adult life, he's been alone in a truck, by his own choice ...nevertheless,with himself and all the time in the world to think of himself and how he feels.
     If he were "gone", I wouldn't get calls at the most inconvenient times about the newest global happenings.  Then, maybe I wouldn't get any calls at all.  Maybe, I wouldn't want any calls from anyone else.   I know about myself that I desire approval, but from worthy sources.  There just aren't that many worthy men.  There's no one else who has fathered my seven children.  And as much as I feel like he doesn't know me sometimes, I don't know that anyone else would either.
     I'll be starting some counseling soon.  I'd thought I'd be a help there, but I'm told I need "help" before I can be a help.  I always wondered if I brought an indifference into the relationship, if I wasn't whole long before he and I tore each other apart.
     Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Mike is gone showing his Disaster Relief Unit/Truck at The Cove in Asheville.  Miranda's with Megan and my parents on the way to gulf of Florida.  McKala's at work.  I'm sitting here eyeballing the pond, hoping against hope that the sun will continue to shine; so I can partake in its glory.  I love where I live and I attribute it all to God, but truth is if Mike didn't allow or support my being here full time with the kids, my life would look completely different.  What if Mike were "gone"?  How much would I appreciate it then, when the lifestyle I cherish switched gears, when I didn't have him paying my way? 
     Say that's cold all you want.  People say, "Don't stay together for the children."  Really?!  What will life be like for them when you're apart?  People say, "Don't stay together for the money."  Really?!  What will life be like when you're supporting yourself?  Of course, there's a bigger purpose!  The Lord knows that and that's why he tells us to obey his commands.  He "gets it".  He "understands".  He "gets" me, even when I don't "get" myself.  He knows better than I.  He loves me, even when I don't know how to love.
     You ask, "How then is your life not all 'rosey' if He's so good?"  Well, my life's not over; neither is Mike's.  I have to recognize that he's wired differently than anyone I know.  I think his brain and chemistry really are unusual.  But I know, no matter the hurtful words that are spoken and feelings that are reciprocated, he has "come clean"; he loves now to hear songs praising his Savior; he gave up the fight to be wealthy; his eye no longer wanders, even though I'm hardly a thing to behold right now; he prayed with me the other night; and I believe he longs to be somebody he hasn't ever been.
     So, why do I seek and destroy every time a red flag goes up?  Where is my faith in my Creator?  In my endeavor seeking perfection into sainthood, which all true Christians are espoused to do,  I hold my light to him and lose sight that even though we are "one", we are separate beings and at times, on different paths.  All this is HARD, really, really hard; but I will never trust my ways above Christ's.  I want so badly to be madly in love, no, not really, just madly in friendship would be a good place.
     But what if Mike were "gone", it'd just be me surrounded by memories that, although often were tainted, were still memories of a wonderful roller coaster ride I've been on where God has molded me and toughened me and made me glad for the blessings he has given me.   The iron tea pot on the stove would remain and remind me of the time he found it in a yard and cleaned it up and seasoned it ...because he knew I love cast iron.  I'd want my back scratched and no one would be there in the night to do it until he tired.  I probably wouldn't be able to wear that "over-the-top" full length raccoon pelt coat he bought me for my 40th birthday, him knowing I'd never buy such a thing for myself. 
     I'd sit outside and see the road signs he had put up because he didn't see any sense in another person wrecking in the curve, much less another death.  And guess what, there hasn't been a serious wreck in the 4 years since.  I wonder if I'd be like my friend Denise's husband, who's left her Facebook page open and has been posting pictures of and letters about her even though she's been "gone" since last year.  She took a nap and never woke up. 
     I wonder if I'd wonder what I could've done differently, if my intentions were really as good as I thought they were, if I'd really tried to understand and take care of him the way he needed to be, even when he made me want to pull my hair out.  I reserve so much because oftentimes I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, but does that matter in the scheme of eternity?  I wonder if when one of the kids would smile at me, I'd see his expression.  Truth is there will never be a life for me without Mike because he's in every direction that I turn my head and in every thought or move I make, even when I'm unaware of it.   Mike and Michelle, 24 years of marriage in a month a half, still getting on each other's nerves, still harboring things, still opposite in as many things as we are not ...but still bound in something bigger than ourselves that has brought us here.  I don't have to wonder what that is.  All I have to do is believe that it is real and that it heals.