It's awful for you guys when I have a span of silence and decide to write it all in one sitting. I recently posted on Facebook that "I'm bad". It set alarms off in people who care for me AND ones who don't think I should utter such things when I consider myself to be "a new creation". My perspective was that I had lay in bed that morning almost afraid to move because of all I had to "be" that day. I don't want to cause people doubt by my honesty. I want them to know that we are all tempted by the same things. Because I am a "believer" does not put me in a realm of unattainable status of living. Anyone can have it by receiving God's grace and can probably pull off "living" better than I do. Because I'm a stay at home mom and teacher of 7 children does not classify me as a guru of piety or virtue.
An example of my shortcomings is the blog I started last week (on paper but never transferred to the computer): "I'm standing in the window in an oversized shirt with mismatched pants, with one leg still unshaven, rough feet with aging polish on my nails, hair hanging lifelessly, and blemished skin. Out of place things are sprinkled all over the yard. Ordinarily, I'd fuss at the kids and send them out ...but 'the outdoors' is calling ME with its odd warm weather of December. I love winter - fancy gloves, fuzzy boots, flaming fires, and flannel sheets. With all the cover, it's easy to forget how my body is losing tone and kemptness."
I've gone back and forth as to the benefit of writing about my journey to physical health. To those who are fit, I must seem like an epic fail. To those who are in my shoes, I don't want to offer excuse, only recognition of the facts. I'd decided at some point to just be quiet until I made some progress. I'm learning that stability IS progress. Anytime we deviate from God's script, there is realistically a time to plateau/remain steadfast before a slow return to normal. After all I've learned, it's tempting to rely on natural remedies like coconut oil, cayenne pepper, and cider vinegar. While I'll continue incorporating these into daily recipes, I don't want to go the "magic ingredient route" and for one reason only. (I also refuse to remove the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil"/tempting food. Removing it means not dealing with it.) When I accomplish this (well overdue) task, I want to share that it was by discipline and the reliance of every meal, including the size of it, on my Father.
The dessert buffet Friday night did not lure me, proving that I'm not "thick" because I love junk. I could've filled my plate over and over with good old-fashioned food. Sugar is not a draw for me and I didn't refill my plate. That's why this morning I was surprised when I got on the scales to see an extra pound. I give and take at least 3 pounds for water retention, but this was above and beyond. Man, this "losing" thing is gonna be harder than I anticipated. The great thing is that "food" no longer "speaks" to me when I'm upset. So, this year has not been for null. Something has been changed ...my mind.
Now, to change the "minds" of the children. The reason I said in that "status" that I am "struggling with the same things" as I was this time last year is because I AM. I was admitting that it's ridiculous that I mire around in things that have already been conquered for me through the sacrifice of Christ. Some will default to the "Nobody's Perfect" stance, but I just can't resolve myself to that. Faith is about growing and becoming less self consumed. The more we stay bogged down - the more self absorbed we are and rendered USELESS to a desperate society. The adversary glories in our confusion and luke warmness. He glories in the TIME we waste and the RESOURCES we squander.
While I'm "at it", I'll squeeze in the "talking points" of another line of thoughts I've had since the "Halloween Has Its Last Hoorah". These "revolutionary" ideas are hardly mine to start with and they aren't even "new" to me. This almost quarter of century I've been married and parenting has brought to me plenty of conviction. I may have been at home, in the woods, and quiet ...but I was everlearning from the Creator himself and the people who have dared to be "different" by detailing their own convictions so that others didn't have to "go it alone".
You ask where in the Bible does it say NOT to observe this and that? I answer that I've been "dealt with" over the years and was "shown" that there are no "good" witches, so one of the earliest things I did was rid our home of entertainment that portrayed wizardry as anything but blasphemy. That means the "Wizard of Oz" did not survive but "Snow White" did. It also means that "horror" movies (which I never appreciated to begin with) get no favor. Not only should fear be reserved to God, but somewhere in the world at some point in time, the "horror" has played out, most likely to a child, and I can not and will not glorify it by spending into the industry.
"Luck", I just don't believe in it; St. Patrick's Day is drummed up these days for drunkenness anyway, so, no, I don't observe it. I've already stated my distain for the The Easter Bunny and the list continues. So much of what we do is mindless tradition. We don't even know why we do it. When we find out, we sugarcoat it with nonsense. If we stuck with tradition, slavery would still be in place, coliseum murder spectacles would still exist, women would be treated the way Muslims would have it, children might even still work in factories. "Tradition" in and of itself is a bogus reason for carrying on. Contradiction is prevalant, down to reading the easy versions of the Bible, yet stressing in school the articulation of Shakespeare's dialect. All I'm asking is that we search our hearts, and God's, for why we do what we do. So, when you tuck your sweeties into bed Christmas Eve, ask yourself if their thoughts are consumed with the miracle of a baby boy or are they barely contained by the idea of what the morning holds in gifts for the family. I don't think we're as good at letting things coexist as we claim.
Don't get me wrong. I love evergreens, I love lights, I love warmth and cinnamon floating in the air, I love songs, I love pretty paper, I LOVE snow, I love winter activities altogether. There IS a catch in that ...that we grow perilously close to worshipping the created and not the Creator, as we observe and engage the seasons.
Speaking of the seasons leads me back to my overview of the year as we enter a new one. I weigh the same and where that gets me is "not sexy". Advertising abounds for "be yourself, love yourself", but "overweight" means we've had "more than our share" and are putting a load on our frames that was never intended, so I will not resign myself to it. For those ladies and some girls (which I do not wish to be or to be called, a "girl") who would say, "He should love me anyway!" Well, he could have a comeback with not taking a shower for a week and say you should love HIM anyway. What makes the sense of sight less important than the sense of smell? You can't laugh that one away. "Fat" isn't sexy because it isn't "healthy"; it's that simple. AND I've noticed that when I lose control of my eating, I lose control of my mouth altogether. You know what I mean: grumpy and defensive ....a disobedient daughter.
I lost sight of the kids a few paragraphs back but I'm not much of a mother/leader/teacher/central commander when I'm making my own way, smothering in my own pettiness. That's the snag of sin: when we're hung up in our own, we lose perspective and confidence to lead the pack. Here the "pack" would be Harpers, who still haven't attained the personal accountability goal I've deemed paramount. Just now, I went to dress for a Christmas play and found wrapping paper strewn all over our bed. I admire the initiative that one had to wrap gifts for me, but why is it okay to leave a mess? One of them was told to pick stuff up all over the bathroom after the aquarium exchange, and it was barely touched. Things like this seem trivial; but to a mother who has to persistently remind, it rubs a sore, raw spot.
They have gained much humility. They make a rare complaint that it's eggs, peanut butter, or tuna again until I can buy groceries. They're okay with a couple pairs of jeans and shoes and a little something to wear in church settings. What do you "take away" from someone who only participates in wholesome activities? If the transgression is severe enough, of course, you don't let them go. Mike gets so frustrated that he says, "Don't take them anywhere until they get it right." In theory, he's got a point. In reality, being involved makes them who they are and will be AND punishes ones who aren't necessarily part of the problem.
The bickering and messiness is a result of what I've tolerated. In my juggling act, they get the last laugh. I am 100% convinced of the Bible's method of training and discipline. I thank the writings of Mike and Debbie Pearl for solidifying it over the years. So, not only must I make sure our teenagers are preparing for the battle of their futures, including the dull work of putting proper names to things they've had knowledge of for years, but also not overlooking the stages of our "wee" ones. It is terribly easy to get entangled in investments to the older ones, while dismissing the immediate issues of the little ones. BALANCE, Michelle, BALANCE. In times of flagrant, willful rebellion, spank the young ones so that they remember it for a long time. Work the older ones, 'til they can taste what they've done. Be ready with a smile, a sincere one, when it's all over.
For the household: Sleep matters. Mail should be sorted and put away immediately; same goes for laundry. Keeping the house and car clean, and I mean "all the way" down, has to be upheld. The Bible and exercise need their time every single day. ANYTHING is better that NOTHING. Does it sound impossible? I think not. In rhythm and harmony, it's attainable. Mike is right, that designated jobs "get in the way" of completion because a link is bound to fail somewhere. THAT is where personal accountability plays out; filling in the gaps; voluntarily replacing the missing link. We aren't there yet and their training won't ever be complete until we are.
It would be easy to look at the calendar for 2012 as a clean slate, but the squares are already dotted with a concert, The National Championship game ;), a local ski trip that was supposed to "be" Christmas, a couple of birthday celebrations, and basketball practices. There will be needs and sicknesses within the community and family, soooo I have to be "real" this year. I have to reinstate getting the basics done in spite of, and even because of, the windfall of activity. I'd call the following a resolution but that would be a disservice to the pledge of a constant, unwavering desire to warm the Spirit of God. Here it is:
I'll continue letting loose with TRUTH and holding fast to FAITH;
LOSING weight by TRUSTING my designer;
BREAKING the mold and REMAKING love in a 23 year marriage;
supporting a self employment COMEBACK from bad choices and near death;
reemphasizing the formation of kids who CAN and WILL reform America;
exploring the RICHNESS in everybody and everything I pass;
going "OLD SCHOOL" but digging past RELIGION and TRADITION to find GOD;
THANKING Him continuously, silently and from the rooftops,
for the CHRISTCHILD
who loves me, a restless mess.
If there is only one thing I've learned in my 40th year, it's that procrastination is no longer a viable option. It's do or die. God willing, I have half a year to get something phenomenol done before I'm 41. I need your agreement in prayer. Don't we all pull for a win in the corner of good versus evil? I just don't want to be the evil one. Some would say that's impossible if I'm saved. I say my will is still mine and very strong and if I don't strip my soul before the Lord, I may have an eternal home but ...I can't go on knowing I didn't return gratefulness to Him.
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