So much is happening that I feel like I'm dancing with a new partner every hour, just after I've learned the steps with the last. Summer has been no lazy one for me. For whatever reason, I measure the weeks by bringing the trash can back from the road and lately it seems that only 2 days pass in between. I'll be 40 in 2 weeks and my life is speeding ahead of me. I have no time to be mediocre. I need to drive forward using up all my mind, spirit, and body have to offer. Though, I must make time to savor, just as Christy reminded me tonight as I asked if we were heading up the next hill. She's headstrong about being in shape but said that since we got a late start, she needed to get home to spend hour or so relaxing and hand holding. She's a year younger but offers much to glean from.
The last weeks have been peppered with appointments for Mike: Urologist, Gastrologist, Orthopedist, etc. And we still don't have any real answers. I'd say concern for the future and this big family would come into play, but I've personally seen God do things that shouldn't be possible. My concern is for a man with a fresh spirit, yet a body that continues to plague him to the point of suffering. He weans himself from pain meds to find himself in awful shape. It's all cruel but there must be purpose ...and I don't mean punishment.
Most of us Harpers have some sort of ailment that needs the attention of a physician. After Mike, Miranda is most concerning. She has every symptom of hormonal imbalance. I really should've put it together before now. Macklynn has a tooth that needs to be removed to make room for another but is complicated by insurance. Things like sports physicals and other minor problems need to be tended to also. It adds up to a lot of time; but in the same sentence, I have to express how fortunate I know we are to have medical care and coverage. Though, God knows we "know" that a good many docs out there are on the verge of incompetence and that we need to ultimately count on Him.
In August, Miranda will hopefully test into the community college early. McKala will begin Drivers' Ed. Michael is moving up to middle school football. Melody has decided to take up the "fiddle". Macklynn's mind is a sponge ready to be soaked with all things good. Madalynn is making her place in the family and needing quite a bit of direction. In the mix looms the prospect of Megan joining the service.
For now, Miranda has begun a new job; McKala is spending most of the summer as a helper at camp; Michael is volunteering some too and about to ramp up football practices to 4 a week with his body that has grown to the height of his father's; Melody has made a BFF and spending all the time she can with her before the "magic" of summer ends; Macklynn fishes and swims, oftentimes with Trevor, day in and day out; Madalynn swims with and stays on the porch, even in the heat, to be with the sweet short legged Beagle her Daddy brought home. Megan, our mechanic/"technician", will be put "on the line" next week, which is good that there is confidence in her skill but she's bracing for a steep decline in hours. She is also to find out if she has totaled her new car, but she and Miranda are still preparing to "meet up" in SC next week for some sister time. McKala and Michael are setting up to buy several calves in August. Macklynn and Madalynn are psyching up for VBS. And that's just all I can think of right now.
On top of all this remain daily household functions that are shuffled with the continuous change ups. There are evergrowing educational needs. Then, there are the upkeep issues of painting and repairing. THEN, there is the outside which is shameful - about a step away from looking like white trash. We do usually have some pile of a project that keeps us teetering on the edge of people knodding their heads at us. As I write, there's a pile of used lumber out in the yard awaiting plans for a water slide frame.
All these things are usual enough, but I find in the last few months every time I turn around someone I care about is in crisis, real crisis. After checking my 28 flashing messages, I found out a friend's husband had been in the hospital 6 days last week with unexplainable blood clots. Another friend is facing the loss of her home. Another's father needs a heart transplant. Yet another (young mother) has an inoperable tumor growing in her brain. One's grandchildren are being tossed around like pets. A family member is making the biggest mistake of his life. A young friend lost her Dad far too early. Others' children are entering dark places. Perversion is attacking the best of us. Here's where I'm going with this ...as I pray throughout the day, the list of sadness becomes so heavy that I feel my face begin to burn. It's said that Christ not only suffered physical torture but also the spiritual burden of the world. Imagine the wrenching his heart must have felt to take on the hurt of every soul.
Something else I'm facing is the accelerated deterioration of society. I sit in parking lots to let the older kids run errands sometimes and just watch people going to and fro. There is unkemptness and unhealthiness, to put it mildly. There is crudeness, laziness, and just plain dirtiness, hardly anyone smiling and if so, it's a smirk. To make a difference seems an impossible task. The impending economic and political failure of our nation seems too great. Just to move forward successfully with my own busy life seems impossible. The truth is that it is - impossible. I have a saving element - my very personal relationship with a very real God. One thing sets it all "a spin" - His words. How is it that I check Facebook before His book in the mornings? This can't keep up. I have to pour His words into me or I'm bound to crumble. Turning 30 was hard because I had severely wasted those early years. I won't have any part of it turning 40. I don't HAVE the time to waste. I'm tired of watching it whir by me to the left and to the right because my walk is just off center. I'm old enough to be certain at all times that the serpent is ready to strike and set me back so that I'm ineffective, so that I remain in survival mode instead of victor mode. Funny we complain that the Bible doesn't offer enough information to us, but we spend half a life on this planet, having only unearthed parts of its divinity. A friend posted today Joshua 1:8 about meditating on the "book" day and night, referring to prosperity and success. Verse 9 is, "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." I just saw that verse 7 says, "... turn not from it to the right hand nor to the left." I had no idea it was there as I wrote something similar above. I really, really like confirmation. :) This makes for a good end to say, "Goodnight ...and if you see me around savagely attacking a task or savoring the beauty and purpose surrounding it, know that I'm forever trying to work out the balance and hoping to dawn a smile through it all."
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
WV Bound on a 22nd Anniversary
The trip started out with good signs. In rummaging through from the November cruise, I found something I'd been very disappointed I lost. I ran upstairs to announce it and McKala is so intune to me that she knew what it was, my black pearl earrings that are part of a necklace and bracelet set my Dad gave me.
Mike rented a Harley that he's raved about, with independent steering. "Rides like a super bike!" he said. Passing through Virginia and its scenery was pleasant and a good change-up for Mike who runs that route often but behind the wheel of his truck. He turned back to me and asked if my eyes burned and when we stopped for gas, we found out why. The last guy had lost the cap. After I got my spicy peanuts and milk, which I didn't have time to finish, we took off to a dealership for one. I wondered how small the chances were that I was the only one on the back of a bike drinking a pint of milk. I don't know, but it sure felt good.
We approached the dealer and I realized it's right beside the hotel where I lost my wedding ring 7 years ago, the same day we found out I was pregnant with Macklynn. I'll take that swap any day, but still hope no joy was found from the money my ring was likely pawned for. Mike had asked that we make burgers and bring them for the stay, so I tucked my ring in my pocket to do so. When we returned home and I searched for it, we called and were told an honest housekeeper had found it. We delayed though and showed up to find that "someone" had taken it from its "secure" location. Good thing is I still have my band from our wedding day. The stolen one was the diamond laden one Mike had purchased a number of years after we married.
On to West Virginia, stopping to admire the gold dome of the capital building, ...we arrived and threw open the door to our hotel room and Mike was truly caught by surprise. Over the phone, there were some complications with reservations; so when the manager kindly fixed them, I explained the situation of our "special" anniversary and how much I appreciated it. She then said that she was going to decorate the room for us. I was elated that Mike would get a rare surprise. There were champagne, hand-dipped chocolate strawberries, a dozen pink tipped roses, balloons, doilies, towel swans, and rose petals strewn about the bed - and all for the corporate rate with no additional fees. It was a perfect kick-off to our weekend.
Until ...Mike and I were talking about his serious ailments leading to his loss of 24 pounds in just 3 weeks. He jovially said, "You need to catch it." Now ...I didn't argue with him; tried not to even look at him crossways, but innately I let that cut straight through me. I didn't even want to fight ...because I know it's true, but when a woman is trying to get her "sexy on", that kinda thing knocks her from her footing. After all, I'd tried to look past our blow up at Wake Forest ER, had been walking a couple of miles a day, and, heck, I was so bloated with PMS that my rings didn't fit. The truth is that is was all out sabatoge, just what I wrote about last - the evil one stealing the makings of good memories. When I was younger, I wouldn't have recognized that principalities were invading my space. Then, I tried to salvage what was left, but was hardly successful in overcoming my silly emotions.
We grabbed some supper, showered, slept, ... and this "new Mike" of mine brought waffles to the room next morning. I could've been pouty and complained that I didn't "need" them, but I'm not in the business of destroying hearts and took his gift as just that, a gift. Immediately, he found out that his business insurer is dropping him come Fall. I felt bad that he was presented with a problem right off the bat. He already had his ill health and "hormonal" wife to deal with.
He went to the store and that gave me time to tidy up. When passing back and forth in front of the mirrors, I noticed dressed in my "boyfriend" shirt how much cellulite is on the FRONT of my thighs. 6 years ago I didn't have any, no matter what I weighed, so I took a minute to research some causes. Of course, I'm older and heavier, but I read that it has quite a bit to do with circulation. With the vein problems I have, I wear wool socks to bed in the summer because my feet freeze. I still believe though it could have something to do with the blood thinner injections I had for many months of the last 2 pregnancies. On course, stay on course ...I could've smacked myself when I read that the cider vinegar and coconut oil I stopped taking last year are 2 of the very best things for this problem!
Mike came back cloaked in all kinds of red, white, and blue. He also brought evidence that his Mama raised him right - a thank you card for the hotel manager. Nowadays, I'm often the first to call someone out on something, so I certainly want to balance that with being the first to compliment. She said it was the only time she'd done that; she was thankful for the Norwegian Cruise Line training of her head housekeeper; and she said she was "practicing her romance for the man God has willed for her." She was a tall, pretty, black woman who claimed she had bypassed the advances of 3 men in recent history - one, a doctor; one, a fanastic lover from her past; and one, a love of her life - BUT none of them loved Christ. So she will wait with that smile of hers patiently.
We finally made it to the pool - I, in a forgiving suit and dolled-up a little with jewelry and my new Maui Jims, hoping to distract from lower body "scans". Funny, I read many years ago that verse about not adorning oneself with gold (I even got rid of my jewely box); BUT as I read Song of Solomon now, it's clear that jewelry is an attraction to men, so I'm workin' that angle 'til I get my "sexy" back. You know, it's like anything in the Bible - what matters are intentions. Am I trying to turn on my husband or am I trying to show off my high falutin' ways?
Mike wanted to move to the indoor sauna, so I, being a follower, didn't see that moving from the sun to a hottub I can't sit in (viens) was anything to pick apart. With 2 strong personalities not often coming to a general consensus, I've sometimes voluntarily conditioned myself and other times involuntarily been conditioned to avoid tension over issues of preference ...and just go with the flow - which often is a place of spiritual protection even if we don't always want to be there. Only problem lies in that if his forgetfulnness gets me lost, we're both in a pickle. We ended up in the indoor pool, only ones there, releasing all pretense (which is some image I've always felt I had to match), and just put our arms around each other. There we were, him with his trucker belly, me with my baby belly, and it didn't matter. That whole idea of "mates" came to mind. Being a mate, a true mate for a lifetime, is of the highest honor and a mystery, just out of grasp, to so many us.
I read this last week - true words from a Christian man nearing 70 who has had a vivacious sex life, "We may look back and laugh at the vigor we once knew, of passionate fires long since burned out, but we will not look back in regret, and there will be no loss, for even now the wonderful, glorious flesh has been exceeded by a merging of spirits until the unseen is far more tangible than the seen. As our bodies sag and creak, as the flesh breaks down and leans over to face the cold ground, there has been a life kindled that burns more in the spirit world than in the bedroom. If my wife faded away until nothing was left but her spirit, I would put that dear spirit in a bottle and inhale it until my last breath." That ending sentence brings tears every time I read it, even as I edit this. Am I the kind of mate/spirit whom my husband would want to inhale when I leave this world? I know that I'm not that good or sweet, but I also know there's a God who can get me close to there. I think we can all get there, so if you hear of a woman passing out this 82 page "sex" book in little Union Grove, you'll say, "Yeap, I know that one."
Another thought - "Could it be that I have not had God's blessing to be my utmost physically until I gave my heart fully back into the hands of Mike?" In this year of pulling and tugging, might I have taken myself somewhere I shouldn't have gone if I were "Miss It"? Knowing me, and He does, it's not an unfounded question. (Although "Miss It" would've needed a man with less than perfect sight to overlook a meriad of flaws.)
What we drove all the way to West Virginia to see was the musical talent of Lou Reid and Carolina. We rode many miles from the hotel through valleys that looked much like those we've driven between North Carolina and Tennessee. Mike ate up breezing through those curves as I smelled that familiar mountain air. We parked just in time to hear the band starting. Live instrumental music can't be substituted, plus they lent their well defined voices to dedications for our anniversary titled, "Walk Through This World with Me" and "Wait a Minute", song about a traveling husband and father. It really made me think hard about the years and what building and demolition that's gone on - the unexplicable grace given us to survive and bring 7 precious souls along with us.
Afterwards, I shared with Christy our "appreciation" for the venue. The engines of mud boggers/full pullers were the back-up music, but Mike and I grinned as we reminisced on another piece of our history - when he talked this "preppy" girl into a contest to see who could run through the bog the fastest. Laughing, we mounted up again for the road. The thing about the motorcyle is that you have to touch. Touch has been tentative at best over the last months; but, it felt right to lean on him, rub and scratch his back, squeeze him with my legs to the pulse of the music, or just give him a big ole bear hug. (We're gettin' somewhere in this walk to the unknown.) After a couple of hours horsing around with everyone at the hotel lounge, we went to the room to finally culminate our WV experience, even topping off with a cowgirl up - not had in well over a year and about time for. ;)
I brought him room service the next morning and then NC it was. We had a couple of days left of celebration, including the 4th, but I'd found what I needed already, a piece to the puzzle of Mike and me.
Mike rented a Harley that he's raved about, with independent steering. "Rides like a super bike!" he said. Passing through Virginia and its scenery was pleasant and a good change-up for Mike who runs that route often but behind the wheel of his truck. He turned back to me and asked if my eyes burned and when we stopped for gas, we found out why. The last guy had lost the cap. After I got my spicy peanuts and milk, which I didn't have time to finish, we took off to a dealership for one. I wondered how small the chances were that I was the only one on the back of a bike drinking a pint of milk. I don't know, but it sure felt good.
We approached the dealer and I realized it's right beside the hotel where I lost my wedding ring 7 years ago, the same day we found out I was pregnant with Macklynn. I'll take that swap any day, but still hope no joy was found from the money my ring was likely pawned for. Mike had asked that we make burgers and bring them for the stay, so I tucked my ring in my pocket to do so. When we returned home and I searched for it, we called and were told an honest housekeeper had found it. We delayed though and showed up to find that "someone" had taken it from its "secure" location. Good thing is I still have my band from our wedding day. The stolen one was the diamond laden one Mike had purchased a number of years after we married.
On to West Virginia, stopping to admire the gold dome of the capital building, ...we arrived and threw open the door to our hotel room and Mike was truly caught by surprise. Over the phone, there were some complications with reservations; so when the manager kindly fixed them, I explained the situation of our "special" anniversary and how much I appreciated it. She then said that she was going to decorate the room for us. I was elated that Mike would get a rare surprise. There were champagne, hand-dipped chocolate strawberries, a dozen pink tipped roses, balloons, doilies, towel swans, and rose petals strewn about the bed - and all for the corporate rate with no additional fees. It was a perfect kick-off to our weekend.
Until ...Mike and I were talking about his serious ailments leading to his loss of 24 pounds in just 3 weeks. He jovially said, "You need to catch it." Now ...I didn't argue with him; tried not to even look at him crossways, but innately I let that cut straight through me. I didn't even want to fight ...because I know it's true, but when a woman is trying to get her "sexy on", that kinda thing knocks her from her footing. After all, I'd tried to look past our blow up at Wake Forest ER, had been walking a couple of miles a day, and, heck, I was so bloated with PMS that my rings didn't fit. The truth is that is was all out sabatoge, just what I wrote about last - the evil one stealing the makings of good memories. When I was younger, I wouldn't have recognized that principalities were invading my space. Then, I tried to salvage what was left, but was hardly successful in overcoming my silly emotions.
We grabbed some supper, showered, slept, ... and this "new Mike" of mine brought waffles to the room next morning. I could've been pouty and complained that I didn't "need" them, but I'm not in the business of destroying hearts and took his gift as just that, a gift. Immediately, he found out that his business insurer is dropping him come Fall. I felt bad that he was presented with a problem right off the bat. He already had his ill health and "hormonal" wife to deal with.
He went to the store and that gave me time to tidy up. When passing back and forth in front of the mirrors, I noticed dressed in my "boyfriend" shirt how much cellulite is on the FRONT of my thighs. 6 years ago I didn't have any, no matter what I weighed, so I took a minute to research some causes. Of course, I'm older and heavier, but I read that it has quite a bit to do with circulation. With the vein problems I have, I wear wool socks to bed in the summer because my feet freeze. I still believe though it could have something to do with the blood thinner injections I had for many months of the last 2 pregnancies. On course, stay on course ...I could've smacked myself when I read that the cider vinegar and coconut oil I stopped taking last year are 2 of the very best things for this problem!
Mike came back cloaked in all kinds of red, white, and blue. He also brought evidence that his Mama raised him right - a thank you card for the hotel manager. Nowadays, I'm often the first to call someone out on something, so I certainly want to balance that with being the first to compliment. She said it was the only time she'd done that; she was thankful for the Norwegian Cruise Line training of her head housekeeper; and she said she was "practicing her romance for the man God has willed for her." She was a tall, pretty, black woman who claimed she had bypassed the advances of 3 men in recent history - one, a doctor; one, a fanastic lover from her past; and one, a love of her life - BUT none of them loved Christ. So she will wait with that smile of hers patiently.
We finally made it to the pool - I, in a forgiving suit and dolled-up a little with jewelry and my new Maui Jims, hoping to distract from lower body "scans". Funny, I read many years ago that verse about not adorning oneself with gold (I even got rid of my jewely box); BUT as I read Song of Solomon now, it's clear that jewelry is an attraction to men, so I'm workin' that angle 'til I get my "sexy" back. You know, it's like anything in the Bible - what matters are intentions. Am I trying to turn on my husband or am I trying to show off my high falutin' ways?
Mike wanted to move to the indoor sauna, so I, being a follower, didn't see that moving from the sun to a hottub I can't sit in (viens) was anything to pick apart. With 2 strong personalities not often coming to a general consensus, I've sometimes voluntarily conditioned myself and other times involuntarily been conditioned to avoid tension over issues of preference ...and just go with the flow - which often is a place of spiritual protection even if we don't always want to be there. Only problem lies in that if his forgetfulnness gets me lost, we're both in a pickle. We ended up in the indoor pool, only ones there, releasing all pretense (which is some image I've always felt I had to match), and just put our arms around each other. There we were, him with his trucker belly, me with my baby belly, and it didn't matter. That whole idea of "mates" came to mind. Being a mate, a true mate for a lifetime, is of the highest honor and a mystery, just out of grasp, to so many us.
I read this last week - true words from a Christian man nearing 70 who has had a vivacious sex life, "We may look back and laugh at the vigor we once knew, of passionate fires long since burned out, but we will not look back in regret, and there will be no loss, for even now the wonderful, glorious flesh has been exceeded by a merging of spirits until the unseen is far more tangible than the seen. As our bodies sag and creak, as the flesh breaks down and leans over to face the cold ground, there has been a life kindled that burns more in the spirit world than in the bedroom. If my wife faded away until nothing was left but her spirit, I would put that dear spirit in a bottle and inhale it until my last breath." That ending sentence brings tears every time I read it, even as I edit this. Am I the kind of mate/spirit whom my husband would want to inhale when I leave this world? I know that I'm not that good or sweet, but I also know there's a God who can get me close to there. I think we can all get there, so if you hear of a woman passing out this 82 page "sex" book in little Union Grove, you'll say, "Yeap, I know that one."
Another thought - "Could it be that I have not had God's blessing to be my utmost physically until I gave my heart fully back into the hands of Mike?" In this year of pulling and tugging, might I have taken myself somewhere I shouldn't have gone if I were "Miss It"? Knowing me, and He does, it's not an unfounded question. (Although "Miss It" would've needed a man with less than perfect sight to overlook a meriad of flaws.)
What we drove all the way to West Virginia to see was the musical talent of Lou Reid and Carolina. We rode many miles from the hotel through valleys that looked much like those we've driven between North Carolina and Tennessee. Mike ate up breezing through those curves as I smelled that familiar mountain air. We parked just in time to hear the band starting. Live instrumental music can't be substituted, plus they lent their well defined voices to dedications for our anniversary titled, "Walk Through This World with Me" and "Wait a Minute", song about a traveling husband and father. It really made me think hard about the years and what building and demolition that's gone on - the unexplicable grace given us to survive and bring 7 precious souls along with us.
Afterwards, I shared with Christy our "appreciation" for the venue. The engines of mud boggers/full pullers were the back-up music, but Mike and I grinned as we reminisced on another piece of our history - when he talked this "preppy" girl into a contest to see who could run through the bog the fastest. Laughing, we mounted up again for the road. The thing about the motorcyle is that you have to touch. Touch has been tentative at best over the last months; but, it felt right to lean on him, rub and scratch his back, squeeze him with my legs to the pulse of the music, or just give him a big ole bear hug. (We're gettin' somewhere in this walk to the unknown.) After a couple of hours horsing around with everyone at the hotel lounge, we went to the room to finally culminate our WV experience, even topping off with a cowgirl up - not had in well over a year and about time for. ;)
I brought him room service the next morning and then NC it was. We had a couple of days left of celebration, including the 4th, but I'd found what I needed already, a piece to the puzzle of Mike and me.
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